This too shall pass (and on reaching out.)

The knowledge that some experiences and relationships will not last forever can be both a source of comfort and sadness. Buddhist philosophy talks a lot about this concept of impermanence and we can then be taught not to ‘attach too much’ but as was pointed out on a radio programme on philosophy I listened to last year, attaching is what makes us human as social creatures. As babies we literally cannot survive alone and when we fail to bond or attach or attachments turn out to be a source of pain or confusion or lead us to cut off it can have an impact on later relationships. The ability to be vulnerable means we can open and if we fear loss then we may fear being vulnerable or loving again. We think subconsciously “this way too much pain and heart ache lies.”

Its something I have been thinking a lot about this week in my struggle to and stay connected to my sister in her impending cancer journey. I broke down in tears today because I spoke to her and a family friend is going with her at 8.30 am to see the surgeon. I wanted to be there but the appointment which was initially at 1.30 pm got changed and my sister knows I don’t sleep well and early appointments are not really possible for me with my accident PTSD condition which means sleep is erratic. But it makes me feel guilty and sad even though I know the guilt is not necessary, but I do think if only I had handled my life better I could have been more available. but I just know here is where I am facing what Russell Harris calls a ‘reality gap’ between what ideally I hope for and what is possible and so even writing this I just let the profound mix of feelings go off like fireworks in my body. My head feels like its splitting off with pain, my heart feels like its about to burst like a river flooding the banks and my teeth and gums are aching and as I struggle to digest lunch I just ate my tummy is all over the place

I turned up to therapy in this state last week and in the rooms with Kat I can at least talk about my feelings and they can settle.

This week I noticed I have also been disconnecting from Scott. When I know he is going to text I either turn off the phone or don’t turn it on. The messages of love are getting more beautiful with each gap of not talking but I am still struggling with the limits of my help for him.

Anyway a valued follower left a comment on yesterdays blog about how dark the dark times can feel when we are so exhausted and long for an end to it all, but how such feelings can change too. I was also talking to my sister today about reaching out. Its not something she knows how to do. It was something that formed a large part of my initial recovery from alcohol abuse when I got into attending AA meetings. We were encouraged to pick up the phone if we got the HALTS… too hungry, angry, lonely or tired. My form of reaching out lately involves writing my blog and I was so very grateful to a friend who called me yesterday, as if by chance at my lowest point when I was struggling to get moving and out into the car to walk Jasper.

I am so glad I managed to do that yesterday and even though I didn’t eat breakfast until about 10.30 then struggled for an hour to digest it I picked myself up after writing my blog and took myself out for a light lunch and then to the nursery to get some plants that I have been wanting to get for the garden and I planted them up. I was very proud of myself yesterday that I did not just allow myself to stay immobilised in the dark place of depression and bad thoughts I was involved in. I broke down with the gardener in the morning and was crying. He is such a gentle sweet man and he just patted Jasper and said ‘you look after your Mum!!’ But when he left I was sad too, something bout the garden triggers an ache over my distance from my father, he often sought refuge in his garden in his private thoughts, never connecting with me at all after school. I felt so alone around him much as I cared for him he didn’t really connect with ME…. at critical times he just lay down the law. Is it any reason I have anger and feel fear around relationships with males?

Well it seems that today some of the dark thoughts of yesterday have passed. I still feel sore and sad but its not as bad as yesterday. And part of that too is because I reached out. So below and to end this update post today I am going to share something on that. Maybe things pass more effectively when we take action to move them through and process them and reaching out and talking about them is part of how we do this. Another part of moving it through for me is allowing the feelings to flow and I sometimes find getting out into the fresh air will start to move things for me that don’t move if I just stay locked up and trapped at home. There is a time to be still and centre within in my own space but that time is more precious after I have walked or externalised in some way. My accident shocks/trauma/imprints often prevent this by making me brace and lock down which is not always best for me.

Today I can reach out for help. When my mind turns in on itself and goes around and around tossing the same old thoughts up and watching them land, I will remind myself that I can reach out. Sometimes just the thought of reaching out is enough. It sets something into motion that opens a door or a window I can also reach inside of myself to a Higher Power. That act creates an inner change. To envision reaching out in my mind makes room for change, for a shift, for something else. I do not need to think of reaching out today as a big act, just a little sincere thought makes a difference. A willingness to see something in another way can open a path from within me.

God dwells wherever man lets him in.

Martin Buber