Trapped behind glass

Something so profoundly symbolic happened today just as I got the text from my sis that she was on the way to the market (just as I was actually walking out the door to meet her) another text came. She had locked her keys inside the house and was trapped in the vestibule between her apartment and the outside door. Not that she could not get out the exit door that led to the outside of her apartment block, but that if she did she could not get back in and had to wait for the locksmith to turn up. (Typical Mercury retrograde stuff actually!)

I pulled over to the side of the road to tell her I would go by her place to help but as it was I could do nothing anyway until the locksmith came, but there was a moment before I had to drive off that I saw her trapped behind glass and felt that terrible powerlessness and grief about my family and what a struggle it could so often be to connect with them. I used inner dialogue and holding to comfort my inner child who was pretty distressed. I then headed down to the market and got my shopping and ordered lunch texting to say I would wait for her which I did reading my chapter on The Killer in the book on addicts in emotional recovery that I mentioned before.

In essence that chapter is about how adult children of alcoholic parents get stuck in trying to fix or heal others and at the same time battle with expressing rather than killing off their true self with its wants, emotions, energy, needs and drive without feeling guilty.

This chapter tells in detail the case history of one of Linda Leonard’s patients Adrienne who has to confront the killing energy within and outside of herself in order to emerge as herself and keep the focus on her own life while also learning to sustain healthy intimacy with another.

The Killer energy in Adrienne relates to her own self betrayal, her incapacity to love and accept herself in totality (including her vulnerability and need to depend on others as well as be strong at times too) as well as her tendency to attract those in need of rescue which enables her to feel powerful while at times hiding her own vulnerability.

Leonard has this to say of the Killer archetype in her book :

An archetypal trio of Killers inside the addict consists of the terrorist, the martyr and the victim. Developmentally, this reflects a typical pattern in an alcoholic (or trauma affected) family. The traumatised parent is like an unpredictable terrorist, and from the child’s perspective may be a persecutor who operates by provoking fear. The other parent often falls into the role of judgemental martyr trying to control everyone by provoking guilt. Instead of giving spontaneous love, the caretaker-martyr parent often talks of love as duty. The child usually grows up feeling unloved and helpless, playing the role of victim even as an adult. But more likely the child also internalises the other two figures. So, the terrorist continues to internally torture the victim through fear and The Judge continues to severely condemn through guilt. Adrienne was secretly afraid of the unpredictability of her angry and vulnerable feelings and a hostage of the guilt provoking Killer-Judge within.

Leonard notes how repressed anger over the situation can actually be intensified by the fear that if the contained and buried anger (and self assertive drives that had to be buried for the child to survive) ever erupted it would turn destructive or murderous. However what actually needs to happen as we heal for those of us affected by the internalised Killer and Judge energies is that we make a relationship with the repressed energies and emotions for purposes of healthy externalisation, self assertion, nurture and understanding.

Feelings of powerlessness due to wounding or trauma of our earlier upbringing can evoke anger or rage but this vital life energy kept trapped inside may also destroy the self from within, or tear outside relationships apart, if it doesn’t keep the person involved locked endlessly in a caretaker/helper/martyr role. They may also have had to take this role on in order to be related to, while at the same time keeping true parts of the self hidden in order to please others or not incur their wrath.

Feeling we have a right to exist and express our feelings in a healthy way involves a transformation of the killer energy according to Leonard.

At times lately I am recognising the need I have to be there to save and rescue my own family. Even though I feel I may be powerless over everything at times I feel my influence has caused things to happen. For example today, if I had not suggested we meet at the market would my sister have forgotten her keys? That is just one interpretation which places me in control of what probably has nothing to do with me at all. Another interpretation could be that due the emotional upset over the knowledge my sister soon needs to have surgery and most likely will lose her prosthesis she was not actually totally with it today when leaving her apartment and so forgot her keys!

Who knows what truth is right. Is it worth reaching for connection if it causes all of this?

Eventually my sister ended up making it to the markets. I was so engrossed in my book at this stage that I did not even see her. We ended up having a good chat and running into family friends. My sister sat there very quietly until the end after they had run through all of their news. When they were about to go saying they hoped everything was okay, she gave her news about her cancer returning. Her friends looked gobsmacked. After they left my sister looked very upset. “Mary knew I was going for my results, I told her a few weeks ago,” she said to me. We decided that both she and her partner were both so wrapped up in their own life it had not occurred to them that my sister may be getting bad news. But after they left I could not help but feel sad for my sister. In many ways it was as if she was behind glass trapped in that vestibule as she had been earlier on with the bad news locked deep inside and needing to be seen.

Not having anyone who cares for us or mirrors us may be worse in the end than the actual diagnosis. Can another person’s care actually help us? Wont my sister’s chances be better if she has support or some ground under her feet? And exactly how much care can I give before I end up getting drained or killing off my own needs? These are just some questions running around at the moment. My sister wants to go and see her cancer surgeon alone on Friday. When she told me this I just started crying. I long to go with her and be there for her, but part of me fears getting ill again. These are my fears. This is today’s process.

How to be in a relationship and care without becoming a victim or a martyr? How to keep giving love? Following our heart or our head, or finding a balance? Recognising when the Killer is on the loose trying to cut things off for good or ill? So many questions, so much to reflect upon as Mercury continues his backward glance.