A great heaviness and tiredness

I feel a great weight and heaviness today, and its not usual lately for me to have such low energy. I could not make the walk very far with Jasper today, all I really wanted to do was sit under the lovely small trees at the play park on our way to the oval and just feel the breeze and touch mother nature. And be in the silence and emptiness which is never really empty at all but teeming with life.

I am having some deeper realisations around past thing lately. Certain things that happened with and to my mother in her final few years trying to support my sister through several hospitalisations which included a bout of shock therapy and a suicide attempt and ended up with her falling down a flight of stairs still bother me. On that day she needed my help but I could not give it, I don’t want to go into the story of who was wrong or right I just am very very sad about it and I need to give that sadness a place. And this followed hot on the heels of an upset at my sister’s birthday where we got talking about my sister in law who Mum never got on with and who ended up being endlessly resentful towards Mum to the point that any time they connected Mum would walk away crying and then she said no more contact and my brother had to visit Mum on his own. Sadly even though my sister in law can be a bit hard I don’t think my family knew enough to wonder why she shunned contact when she was living us briefly before she married my brother. (she lost her own Mum at a very young age and quickly erected a wall of defences which meant intellectual distancing from our family.) A lot of other painful things went down I was very young at the time but it affected our whole family. Now my brother just keeps as much emotional distance as he can which is fair enough, he just steps in to put my sister in hospital when all the feelings get too much, what more can I say we are a family affected by the long term multi generational consequences of trauma and alcoholism?

Maybe I feel tired as yesterday after talking with my sister I suggested we meet at the markets for lunch, but I know my sister is very low again after her second cancer diagnosis, she told me yesterday she thinks we live in a horrible world now, it made me so sad, yes a lot of horrible things go on in this world and what she suffered at the hands of family being involuntary committed I just feel was down right wrong, a case of damage control.. but it cant be changed now and I played no part in it, was just the one who witnessed from the sidelines. If her family shun me now I realise its possibly for the best, maybe I bring a little too much emotional reality to things.

Anyway I accept now I wont be embraced by them. Its not their fault or mine. But maybe its making me sad as I seemed to be crying a fair bit this morning.

Interesting too that both my sister and her son have Virgo placements opposing key Piscean ones. Mum had the Virgo Venus which turns up again in my sister’s Moon which opposes the deeply feeling ancestral sign of Mercury in Pisces both square to Jupiter in Gemini. Her son’s Saturn sits on her Moon which is like the authoritarian parent who doesn’t really know how to nurture the Moon and his own Sun is opposed by Saturn too… so all that Piscean softness gets a bit buried by the other energies. And key Piscean placements hit my own planet of wounding Chiron in Pisces in the seventh house of relationships.

What I have learned over past years is that if we suffer from emotional neglect it is not going to be easy to identify those who will be there for us. We find it hard to articulate our own needs or even know we have a right to have them. In this way we too can become stringently anti dependent. I was reading again in Tara Brach’s book last night how a fear of vulnerability can underlie control and in a book on the archetypal energies that affect addicts Linda Leonard talks of the Killer energy which functions to cut off vulnerability, connection and a sense of hope in addicts, most of which stems from earlier attachment wounds that get buried under and defended against. We then start to look to substances while erecting walls.

I want to write a longer post on The Killer later on. I stared one a while back but somehow I think it ended up back in trash in WP files. I know how The Killer in me can function especially when I start to get close to someone. Its coming up with Scott at the moment and the Killer in us doesn’t only turn against our linking or attaching to others but to our true selves as well. It can become the inner destructive voice that tells us we are not worthy, or good enough, do not deserve love, are bad, inherently flawed or damaged. True we have wounds but that does not make us unlovable if we are willing to look at them and take responsibility (not blame) finding new ways to respond consciously rather than react from a defensive self destructive place.

Its good to be able to articulate some of this. The feeling of heaviness seems to have passed a little now. I find when I can centre back within then I do start to feel my energy return. When I meet my sister I can at times subject to not only emotional contagion but our wounds can start to mirror each other, pain of the past can be buried underneath. My sis is a much softer person now that she used to be and we both suffer from the same painful psychic legacy it has just manifested in different ways in both of our lives. Having the capacity to remain open and curious helps to dissipate things or at least help me to become more conscious of why I am feeling a certain way with someone. There can often be so much going on below the surface of appearances.