Fluctuations in my anxiety level.

I took myself off out after getting the news about my sis. I find being at home all alone at times makes my anxiety worse. I was actually crying on the way home thinking how years ago when I wasn’t doing well I thought being alone and away from everyone was better than being with people and there can be some truth in that in a surface world where deeper emotional truths don’t seem to have a place. \

My therapist and I explore this issue all the time of my need for connection and my fear of it, or feelings of overwhelm from it. I know part of it may be an Aquarian thing. I am reading a biography of feminist Germaine Greer at the moment and she too is a fellow Aquarian and she struggled with intimacy for a lot of her life. Its a very cerebral sign Aquarius but we are deep feeling and sensitive too, but sometimes we put people off side with our ideas and our ability at times to detach emotionally.

For me with the heavy weighting of all that air opposing my strong Leo energies people always say they find me warm, but at times (or a lot of the time) I really need my space emotionally and it can hurt people, I guess you could say I am a fairly self contained person who still longs for intimacy. My ex partner never full understood it and gave me a pretty hard time about it.

I really struggled this morning as I wanted to be with my sis to support her as she got the news. I did offer and she said she was fine to go alone, she sounded very stoic and resigned. Breast cancers recur all the time, you are never safe after you have had it once. I still felt guilty I hadn’t gone and for all the other times I may have pushed her away or disengaged and hurt her. It was hard to feel close growing up due to many things, most importantly the fact she was at one point my boss but I see she was trying the best way she could she just never really understood my tenderness and sensitivities and then I got told I was actually a naughty child because I was pretty outgoing and sassy and expressive before the shutters came down later in my young life. My sister holds her emotions in and doesn’t open up as much as I do and sees that as in someway a bit over the top.

Anyway writing calms me but I noticed I felt calmer and more positive when I got out to the shopping centre today. I decided to have lunch there and then I did my food shopping but as soon as I got in the car to come home tears started to fall, I was really feeling the vulnerability of life deeply. One of my favourite songs that really opens this up is by John Mayer, its called Edge of Desire, it always opens up that deep flow of tender longing for love and connection that at times can get blocked. I then got home to a text from Scott, I forgot to take the phone…which was nice saying how sorry he was about Sue and how he was worried about me.

Its overcast today. I haven’t had Jasper out yet an he’s looking at me with that weary fed up look he gets when I haven’t fulfilled my parental responsibilities to him on a day….. Those days of getting paralysed or being unable to walk him used to be a regular occurence but that changed over the past two years or so. I have to keep remembering everything is okay and not to get caught up in depressive thinking. I browsed in the book shop a few books about paying attention to the way thoughts are affecting your feelings. I don’t want to indulge in any disaster scenarios about my sis’s cancer recurrence. Things may turn out just fine, I am just conscious that I have watched several loved ones die and if something happens to my sis there won’t be a feminine connection left on my side of the family, since my niece cant handle anything emotional and keeps her distance. Its okay. I can be here for myself and I hope I can be there for my sister if she needs me. I need to count my blessings. I really do….but sometimes my heart just feels soft sore and tender, that feeling probably will never leave me its just part of the way I am made up deep down inside.