I had a happy start to the day, Jasper and I went for our walk came home. I had arranged to meet a friend but I think it was a little much as we arranged to meet at a new place for a coffee or lunch and there wasn’t much I could eat on the menu that was healthy. I ended up just having a second coffee and a long conversation about things then I ended up having a later lunch and going to the markets to get my fruit and veg and while there I ran into my sister.
I don’t know why but seeing my sister often sparks such sadness, I also felt sadness leaving my friend who I don’t see a lot of. I am not entirely sure why I have these feelings but my sister has had breast cancer like me and she has had some spots detected on her breast around the site of the mastectomy and she had to go for more tests last week and will get the results on Tuesday. It is a very early appointment and due to my PTSD I cant manage to go with her, but I did offer.
I notice how much weight my sister has put on due to the medications she is on. I saw my other sister balloon out after over 30 years of medications including lithium and I am worried for her. I know this worry is not in vain. We had a talk about it (not the medications, which her psychiatrist is working on reducing but about the prospect of further cancer). I told her I feel I would rather let the cancer take me if it came back a second time than have yet more invasive treatment, the last lot of treatment for both of us came on the back of so much other trauma and we both had it within 4 months of each other.
I said to my sister that we do have the power to face what life throws at us but sometimes it doesn’t seem that way. I just left her about 45 minutes ago and I cried for most of the drive home, and seeing my dog Jasper run out to greet me I cried some more. There is something about this unconditional love of an animal that is so pleased to see you that just opens up the floodgates for me at times. I don’t really have any power at all to stop those tears. At times after I leave my family or being with them its almost like I feel a brace around my heart that then lets go into a torrent of deepest grief.
I don’t entirely know why it is like this and I cant seem to do anything to stop it, but at times I just feel I wish I could be in a happy place that didn’t tear me apart. I am just sharing about it because I sat with it and felt it through for a while and maybe writing is my container or defence? I am not sure.
Words my sister said to me that did make me sad were. “its so much harder facing all of this alone.” I could only agree, her partner walked out slowly over a period of three years about 9 years ago. I tried to tell her we are not really alone but in many ways we are, not having a loving supportive partner to contain and offer support and love is hard no matter how much we try to deny it, lack of close emotional attachments is sited as a key trigger for cancers of all kinds. I know there is a physiological and physical component too in terms of how much we exercise, the kind of diet and nutrients we eat as well, but knowing you have the love of someone close well it just makes things that little bit less hard.
Sadly I cant be with the person who wants to support me either. Forces have been blocking it since December. I know people do die of loneliness. I cannot make up for the wound in both of us, luckily my sister’s oldest son now lives here, so that is one good thing. I pray my sister’s test results will not be bad on Tuesday. All I can do is pray and hope for the best, but sometimes the whole goddam thing just makes me so sad.
Emerging From The Dark Night 
I am so sorry for your sadness Deborah, which I can understand. I am so sorry that your sister has this thing again – damned cancer. And you know that I understand that. I totally know, also, that deep trauma can be a catalyst for cancer. And that trauma can bring it back. Mand sadly, many of us do not have a oeaceful life even when we have had to face cancer. So I fear for both of you, but pray that it is nothing. You have all my love xxxx
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Thanks so much Lorraine. My sister has been through hell. Her own son had her commited before she tried to take her life in 2013. She has struggled so much. I am genuinely worried for her but lets pray these spots are not malignent but benign. You of all people know this territory. I appreciate your thought so much. Bless you darling 🤗💜💞
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You are very very welcome Deborah. Is this the sister with whom you long to go out with more – with her son? Is this the son who committed her?
What a hell of a stort.
I am so sorry Deborah. This must rluse trauma for you too. I know that I could not go with someone to the hospital who had cancer or who was being checked for cancer. I found it difficult to go for my own appointments in the end and indeed stopped going. I feel exactly the same as you that if my cancer returned I would not accept treatment again. It was the worst thing that I ever went through. It did not help that my mother started her games as well at the same time or possibly precipitated by my having cancer. I know that as I was going through chemotherapy he said that I should have died at the beginning. And now she is sick herself she is still playing games and really all I want to do is keep away from her but it isn’t that easy. I don’t know why most people really do seem to be surrounded by love and support When they have cancer but for a few of us it isn’t like that and we have to go through it alone and that is just so traumatic. For me it was pure hell and I certainly would never go through that again so I can totally understand your feelings. We can only hope and pray that your sister is okay. When is she going to the hospital? You may have said in your post but I didn’t commit it’s to memory. I will be thinking about you both anyway and sending you all of my love. ❤️❤️❤️❤️
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Her appointment is 9.30 am on Tuesday Lorraine its far too early for me. I abhor hospitals. I’d rather die at home alone. When they put my mother and other sister in it was the end of them both. Such violence masquerading as “care’ and treatment. Pffft!%@* I wish i never underwent radiotherapy. I know you fully understand. Im so so so sorry for the meanness you are continually subjected to.
I truly don’t know why its the kindest most lovely people who so often suffer, we have to be strong though we often just wish we didn’t. What else can we do? ❤ ❤ ❤
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Oh Deborah I am so glad that you said that. NOT that this happened, but that you brought it out into the open. People always think that hospitals are good places. They are NOT. Yes, violence is the exact right word for it. No one has ever said that before. Abuse maybe, but not violence. But I experienced violence too. And abuse both emotional and physical. They took my water away from me. They would not let me have a commode. I rang my husband from my mobile and YELLED loydly at him so that the whole ward could hear, “Get a solucitor up to this hosputal imnediately. They won’t let me go to the toilet.” Strangely lol they had the commode to me within minutes! But they had told me to do it in the bed. The Sister said “Do it in the bed. I don’t have to wash the sheets.” I haven’t told my full cancer story yet in here because it was too traumatic for me. I got bad PTSD from the hospital. I abhor them too, and avoid them like the plague. Here, they are appalling. Our local hospital is listed as the worst in this country. My haematologist gave me double the amount of one chemo drug that I had, and it was not recommended by the manufacturers because it is so toxic. And it sas that one drug that left me like I am now. Unable to walk, blind, with bowels that work ivertime because this drug affects the peristaltic nerve. This makes going out difficult, and people dont understand that and think I am not trying to help myself. But it is not something you go arlund telling everybody.
You have done so well Deborah, to go through all of that alone. You have my support and friendship. Do you still have to have checkups? ❤️❤️❤️
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Sorry for the delay Lorraine I was having dinner. I really hope one day you can bear to write all about this. My mother’s final 5 years were ruined by a boyched up knee replacement surgery. She was cut up and down both the upper and lower legs. The bloody GP advised she have it done in Sydney..not at all necessary and it caused SO MUCH added stress. At that time I had two sisters incapacitated as well. Dont get me started on the fucking Western medical profession/model..
Ive actually missed my last breast cancer check up in October. I dont get on well with my oncologist at all. I probably need to go but I just dont trust them.
How can they refuse you the toilet or a commode. That is bloody well outrageous. Its so sad our technological culture all machines and money and bottom lines..very little heart. It needs to be called for what it really is.
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