Working with our ‘not good enough’ stories.

If you battle inner critical judgemental voices, and who doesn’t in this society either manifesting as an inner or outer critic then do yourself a favour and get hold of Russell Harris’s excellent book The Reality Slap.

In the chapter Take Off Your Goggles he gives techinques for noticing with interest the inner voices that tempt us to criticise and condemn things (and ourselves) as not good enough. He is not saying that we should not strive for self improvement in our lives, nor address what may be holding us back, but what he is saying in this chapter that many of us are run by or come undone due to by these voices which we listen to or project onto others or situations outside of us. Harris likens this to wearing shit covered goggles which only show us the so called ‘truth’ covered in layers of grunge.

this wonderful instrument which we call the human mind.. is so creative and innovative and immensely useful comes with an inbuilt tendency to judge, compare and criticise; to find fault; to focus on deficiencies; to see problems everywhere it looks.

He goes on to explain how evolution of the mind created this tendency to look for and forewarn our ancestors of threats to survival. If problems such as lack of food, bad weather or dangerous animals could be anticipated, solutions could be sought and survival enhanced. The human mind thus evolved into what he labels a ‘super duper problem solving machine’ geared to look for problems and threats, but such has become its tendency to encourage us to see everything as not good enough, this tendency is now running amok.

From this point of view so called ‘negative thinking’ is really not a sign of a weak or defective mind, neither is it something we can eradicate by yet more condemnation and judgement or trying harder to ‘get rid of it’. What Harris recommends instead is a process of ‘expansion’ a form of acceptance (though he says he does not like to use that word, as for some people it is equated to defeat or resignation). This expansion process is a lot like mindfulness.. it is a process of noticing and naming what our critical judgemental not good enough mind/thinking is doing as well as the pain it causes us and others in the process

According to Harris, concepts like half full and half empty glass thinking aren’t that helpful either, neither is categorically better than/truer than the other.

When we are truly present with the glass, paying attention with openness and curiosity, those judgements about half empty and half full fade into the background; what comes into the foreground is the shape of the glass, the way it reflects light, the level of the water within it, the change in luminosity where the water touches the sides.

Rather than struggle with so called ‘negative thoughts’ and judgements we can instead become curious about, notice and name them so as to gain som distance. When we face the reality gap between the way things are and the ideal way we imagine them/would like/wish/or project to be, then we tend to think in terms of ‘not good enough’ rather than in terms of what we can do to make things better or just feel our feelings and accept inherent reactions and limitations as human.

In the following chapter ; The Wisdom of Kindness, he address our tendency to beat ourselves up with a big stick if we fall short ourselves and when we see the reality gap between what we wanted and what we got possibly due to some confused, mixed up or mistaken actions or just not knowing what the hell to do. The antidote to this, which I have addressed in other blogs before is a form of Self Compassion practice which involves the following:

Letting ourselves be present with our thoughts and feelings mindfully while noticing and naming and touching them gently in presence,

paying attention to our feelings and judgements with a kind curiosity and patience,

noticing gently where we feel them in our bodies, their character, shape, layers and tone and textures

breathing into them and giving them space, instead of reacting from a place of analytical guilt tripping or judgement, (and/or if we are doing that we can notice that as well with compassion.), opening up around the feeling, sensation, criticism or judgement.

noticing and naming resistance, breathing into any tension.

learning how to hold ourselves kindly in our feelings. (To do this he recommends physically taking one of our hands and placing it on a part of our body that is hurting or tense, our head, neck, heart, or stomach.) We can let that hand rest and feel warmth floating in to that part of our body. We can hold the pain tenderly and gently, beaming in love, letting kindness flow from our finger tips, connecting and caring.

We can then speak loving thoughts to our tension, trouble, or pain. Say a silent word like peace, kindness or gentle; affirm to our inner self something loving and caring and positive ‘I know this hurts, but I can do this’, ‘I can be with/allow myself to feel this’.

We can honestly acknowledge ‘This really hurts’.

If we have failed or made a mistake we can say “Yes I am human, I stuffed up. Like everyone else on the planet I make mistakes.” “But I can learn from this.”

This pain is part of being human, we can remind ourselves of this, we can be kind and gentle. When our reality gaps open and become all too painfully clear we can just acknowledge this as part of life, part of what it means to struggle and be human.

Acknowledging our reality gaps, our not good enough stories, our struggles as humans is so important. Our capacity to be mindful and compassionate affects our ability to love and care not only for ourselves but others as well. When we can be truly present with all the ways we feel not good enough and show compassion while committing to change we can become a force for healing love and good within our world. We can begin to spread loving, tolerance, wisdom and peace.