Awakening

I awoke at 5 am with a start

Trying to push the trauma out

As I feel the force field of in and out

Birthing me

And my body spirals along this

Pathway or river of damage

At times these symptoms and shocks

Seem more than I can manage

But it is then I have to remember

To be in my body and breathe

The most terrifying place I had to take flight from

Tears come when I remember the pain

And the look on you face

Dad you didn’t know who I was

When they wheeled me past you in the hospital corridor

Bleeding and screaming to let me die

Why wouldn’t I go down without a fight

But in the session in 2005

I cried for what I put you and Mum through

I saw it didn’t just happen to me

But why in the family

Was I the one who had to bleed?

Useless question really

Becomes a painful unending litany

If I do not set it free

This pain and trauma I carry just had to be borne

And over so many days and nights

Its has made me so angry, helpless, confused and forlorn

All these feelings I struggled with

Within the intensity

UntiI began to see

Finally

The necessity for surrender

For I have died a thousand times

No matter how hard I tried

To live

But then there was the chance perhaps

To be born again

Through the flood

Through the fire

And as I age

And turn yet another page

On this late summer day

I will see it all with softer eyes

As I write and cry

And honour the truth of all the fear

And feelings I have lived

For I have survived

My God yes

I am still alive

And all of it will be

A part of me

Forever