The grief below

I wrote yet another poem on feeling breathless today and when it posted it linked to at least four other posts or poems I have written on this in the past few years. It got me to thinking that when I start to feel breathless its about underground emotions being stirred up. Lately it doesn’t take much to trigger a full crying response to something. Yesterday it was the vulnerability I felt looking for a gift for my sister around the shopping area my Mum used to skip as an only child all alone after her father died. Today it happened after we arrived at the restaurant where I had specifically asked for a certain table a week ago and they gave us a table else where. I felt winded and then I was crying saying “no one sees me or hears me” and I could not stop crying. Earlier I was sad not to be included in a birthday dinner for my sister put on by her son. It just made me realise now I am aging and don’t have kids no one is going to be there, but that is not strictly true as my others sister’s sons would love to be there for me but they live a long way away. Anyway the grief just flooded out of me at that point as I realised I was powerless over whether or not they included me. Yes, it makes me sad…. maybe it is for the best?

Anyway these tears just started to fall down and my sister and our old family friend did not say much. I was fearful of being criticised but I wasn’t. I just kept crying as she showed me the photo of her and her son with the three beautiful children. I didn’t reel resentment, only sadness. Deep deep sadness.

I am back home now. I ate some food that I don’t usually eat with a lot of pasta and cheese. I usually steer clear of these foods since my breast cancer. I am sure it wont do me any harm to eat them just once in a while. My sister was on some level still blank emotionally as she sat drinking one glass of wine. I am glad I can just let the love I have for her be there. I am powerless over so much. I honoured my feelings. I didn’t say anything much. It is what it is. But I do associate feelings of being breathless with the upsurge of emotions and who knows if it is just personal or collective? It is something I will discuss with my therapist when I see her on Thursday.