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A sad inner child : Reconnecting

I have been having lesson after lesson about boundaries this week. I had to disengage from a friend yesterday as I felt I was being stomped on or drowned out. I told them today when they apologised it felt like being erased which is something my therapist tries to address with me quite often. In the light of this I have been reading Louise Hay on the inner child and trying to hold my own inner child’s hand because I find lately if my body is reacting to something, that is often a sign my inner child is in distress. For example when I had to meet my friend on Friday (the one I hadn’t seem for a long time and who shamed me many years ago) I found myself experiencing a lot of anxiety about 20 minutes before I had to leave so I actually started talking to my inner child and she told me she was scared and I comforted and reassured her that my adult self was there to help her with the fear. I think my inner child has a lot of fears of rejection and so she tries hard to be what others want her to be but I know now that just leaves me feeling really really sad.

I know for example with men when they approach me in a sexual way, even if it doesn’t make me feel comfortable I can collapse my boundary. This happened very early on in my last (what turned out to be very dysfunctional relationship) and it started to happen with someone else last week and I had to put the stops on. I am very subject to the powerful will and drives of others and its also tied up with major spiritual lessons around my North Node in Leo.

I am learning not to collapse my boundary out of fear. I am learning to reassure my inner child I wont give her away again as she was expressing a lot of anger and sadness of how I had not taken care of her in the past, devaluing her in the same way my parents and siblings did.

Louise recommends that we try to connect with our inner child by asking her or him questions. We can ask what that part of us needs from us. Many of us have inner children who were not allowed to play or be spontaneous, or angry or sad or fearful. In our house if you were angry you got sent to your room, I don’t ever remember being comforted when really sad upsetting abusive things happened. I remember it being ignored or being told not to feel what I do and so I now treat myself like that. I lie to myself about what hurts. I just cannot do it any more. I set a boundary with my friend, Karl yesterday and I told him today what upset me. I also had to set boundaries with Scott after his outburst on Friday.. I really feel for him and am sad he feels suicidal but there is a limit to what I can do. I am an empathic person so often I try to become others saviours. I think if I sacrifice I can help them but what has happened is that my inner child gets locked in prison and my vital life essence stolen. The only way out of this is to take my inner child (and true self) and her needs and feelings seriously. When I do I start to feel a whole lot better..

What our parents did to us in the past was their consciousness. We are the parents now. We are using our consciousness. If you are still refusing to take care of the inner child, you are stuck in self righteous resentment. Invariably, it means there is still someone to forgive. So what is it you haven’t forgiven yourself for? Well, whatever it is, just let it go. If we are not giving the child praise and attention now, our parents aren’t the blame. They were doing what they thought was right in that particular space and time. However, now, in the present moment, we know what we can do to nourish the child within us.

Louise Hay : The Power Is Within You

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Published by: emergingfromthedarknight

"The religious naturalist is provisioned with tales of natural emergence that are, to my mind, far more magical than traditional miracles. Emergence is inherent in everything that is alive, allowing our yearning for supernatural miracles to be subsumed by our joy in the countless miracles that surround us." Ursula Goodenough How to describe oneself? People are a mystery and there is so much more to us than just our particular experiences or occupations. I could write down a list of attributes and they still might not paint a complete picture pf Deborah Louise and in any case it would not be the full truth of me. I would say that my purpose here on Wordpress is to express some of my random experiences, thoughts and feelings, to share about my particular journey and explore some subjects dear to my heart, such as emotional recovery, healing and astrology while posting up some of the prose/poems which are an outgrowth of my labours with life, love and relationships. If anything I write touches you I would be so pleased to hear for the purpose of reaching out and expressung ourselves is hopefully to connect with each other and find where our souls meet.

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40 thoughts on “A sad inner child : Reconnecting”

  2. I think we may have grown up in the same house! I have the same issue with male sexual energy – I can sniff it out and it fucks with my boundaries. I, too, check in with my little girl and quite often she’s terrified, I provide a safe space for her and let her know I will not put her in harms way with the predator energy. I laughed out loud when I read you were sent to your room because you were angry – not because that is funny – but because my house was the exact same. I could not be anything but happy, cause that looked best. ridiculous. I hear you and I get it Sister. Keep fighting the good fight. Also, the term I use is being “wiped out” (you said stomped or drowned out) – it’s basically a narcissistic move which leaves us feeling like we are non existent or don’t have the right to exist and that other people and things are much more important than we could ever be – which, btw, they will deny if called on it – all adding to the crazy we feel. Ugh. Trust, I get it.

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    1. Thanks so much Karen… I use the word erased or my therapist uses annihilated which is basically the same as wiped out.

      Its great to get the power to call people on this and see how they react. It pretty much sorts the playing field so to speak. I am getting to the point of actually no longer denying what I feel which has taken YEARS!!!!
      Thanks for commenting. I will keep fighting for my right to not only exist but thrive…..

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  3. Hi Deborah. I am sad that you had that experience with yoyr friend. I had a similar one last week.

    I am interested in what you say about wanting to be peoples’ saviour. I often think that this is a kind of wanting to save ourselves. Do you think that might be trye! If we can save the other person we are saving ourselves. Much love to you xx

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      1. Not just Catholic though. And I was not talking religiously actually. Some people talk of it as a rescher. Not the same as a saviour.

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      2. No I know you weren’t. That was my perspective. Its down to the strong Neptunian energy from the Piscean Age. Anyway it was just a thought. I think we do try to rescue others to rescue ourselves. Sorry if there has been some perceived misunderstanding, Lorraine.

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      3. It’s ok Deborah. No real misunderstanding. I don’t know anything at all about the stars and planets. So I can’t relate to that bit. I just know that I was only comnenting to someone the other day that I think I might sometimes try to do something for others in an attempt to rescue myself. It was a thought that I had had.

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      4. Its is something I said to my radiation oncologist when diagnosed with cancer and crying and she asked me “What are you crying for?” I just said “Do you expect me to explain an ocean in a teardrop.” Maybe I am an ancestral carrier.. who knows. But often this grief feels so so oceanic. That is all I know.

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      15. Please do not feel that you need to email me. You have so much going on and I am ok. Take care of yourself. Reading your struggles made me realize that mine are far less. My grief will always be with me at some level. Accepting this as part of my life gives me courage to continue on finding ways to remember my son in meaningful ways.

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      18. No forgiveness is necessary, you did nothing wrong. You are forgiven and accepted as you are. Please do not tip toe around me. Differences make us think about what we believe and realizing that those difference make the world a richer place.

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      20. You are doing great. I am not an easy person to like because I always tell the truth, with not enough tact.

        Usually I do not interact because I say, with a laugh, that I like animals better than humans.

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