To be angry at the right time!

The answer is to be angry about the right things at the right time. Depression is not the answer as it is a result of stolen and blocked life energy trying to make its way out but being disallowed or disavowed.

This is an idea discussed by an aboriginal author Melissa Lucashenko being interviewed about her writing on multigenerational trauma in her book Too Much Lip on Radio National and really struck me. There is an outrage that needs to happen about violation and abuse but its a fine line.

In the US television series The Path, The Path leader lays into the father of a woman who was sexually abused. First he confronts the father and asks him to say sorry to his daughter. When the father refuses the leader, played by Hugh Dancy beats the father to a pulp. He is enacting his own rage at the effect of his own fathers alcoholism but that is not revealed until further down the track. Its not a healthy way of dealing with abuse. But it may be healthier than turning the blame inward in the long run.

It is a really hard scene for empaths to watch as we can’t cope well with violence and I felt compassion for the father even though he would show no remorse but thinking this way is probably what has got me into trouble in my life. And therapist Robert Karan says that without parents allowing a healthy protest and expression of valid anger in their children they set them up for co dependency and powerlessness in later life as well as a load of repressed anger and pain.

They may also set them up for a passive aggressive anger style. Its something I can identify with. When its not okay to be angry the only protest you may have is to not co-operate or to pretend that you will co-operate but you were forced into that way of reacting when your NO was not validated in childhood. It takes some introspection and a reclaiming of power held hostage to fear later in life to change it.

I believe and Gabor Mate, a Canadian oncologist and writer on addiction and trauma believes that a trapped NO may lay behind much chronic illness which results in auto immune diseases, such as cancer, ALS, chronic fatigue and others. It is something he explores in his book The Body Says No and in some of his You Tube talks and videos. We need our healthy protest. We need not to be manipulated, guilted or shamed for setting up obstructions to be asked to do things that cause us pain or transgress our boundaries.

I am not an expert on this. I came from a family where it was not okay to be angry and say no. I got sent to my room a lot to ‘think it over’ but as a youngster that was not possible when I was overwhelmed, as I was so much and so I looked to substances to contain those feelings and that was not a healthy survival skill. I still can but I am learning. I am very much still a work in progress, trying to work through my complex ‘collapse’ defensive boundary style.

This collapse style is something Pete Walker addresses in his book on Complex PTSD. We all have different defensive styles, fight, flight, freeze or collapse. When an animal is threatened or overpowered he may play dead or like my dog Jasper roll over on his back and extend his tummy to the attacker. When my dog did this once and was attacked in my early days at the dog park the owner of the attacking dog actually BLAMED ME. This is what happens to some of us. Turning around a collapse defence to not be so submissive or absorbant of the ire or power or control of others who are more powerful, assertive or aggressive can be hard. And it can be hard work nhttps://wordpress.com/block-editor/post/emergingfromthedarknight.wordpress.com/16712ot to turn it inward as many addicts do. It takes some time to become aware and find ways of healthy protest – a way to be angry at the right time with the right person without feeling shame.

Related : A Just Anger : Freeing Our Fight Response (link below.)

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