A soldier stuck fighting a war he didn’t cause

This entire debacle with Scott has made me think a lot more deeply about things, most especially my own astrological signature and the blocks and defects or issues in us that lovers may trigger or come to highlight for us. Now that all efforts have finally failed to get Scott off deployment I am seeing parts where my trust issues held me back, times I procrastinated due to doubt and fear, then how I was kind of almost dumped with the entire blame for things not working out and the lynch pin was when I tried to do the second transfer on 18 December and got a bank manager sent to serve me whose own mother had been scammed, he twigged at something he didn’t like in the transaction (the description commander) and froze the transfer and from then on everything has been blocked. My accounts have now been frozen three or four times and I have no power or control at all over a large sum of money in my account.

I am just one woman so at this point I cannot fight the bank. They seem to have made up their minds even though their investigations are still not complete. According to the head of the fraud team there is no military deployment fighting a situation which is actually registered as being fought on one of the major US Army websites, so I don’t know where the guy is getting his information. And its a very undercover thing anyway which is why I cant say much about it but the info checks out. I am tied up by the secrecy aspect which is hard as anyone who reads my blog knows I am pretty upfront and honest most of the time. Though lately I have found myself starting to tell the occasional white lie to Scott to get him off my back, but I cannot lie to the bank.

Anyway its over now. Scott is staying on deployment, the money I sent will be sent back and I have to accept we will not be meeting for 30 more months. I’ve been crying and alternating between feeling very angry that I let myself become caught up in a situation that I never caused in the first place then guilted and shamed and seeing the ways my own fears and those fed into me by others made me hold back at the critical times and may have blocked his smooth exit. Well I did my best, it wasn’t the greatest since I found it hard to trust and that’s the lesson. I have to cop it.

And I cant help feeling with my blocked Saturn Mars Moon this is all being reflected. I have so often felt I was stuck in my own war/trauma zone where the feminine is under siege and so maybe this all about the psyche manifesting via projection or cosmic laws of attraction. Maybe I need to be patient, God knows and just keep owning my part in things while not getting stuck in self punishment. We are still in touch so nothing has broken.

But one thing I do know. I need to stop beating myself up as much as I do. I just don’t feel at times that I am a very well integrated person when I look at all the people functioning in the so called real world out there, but who knows what I might be carrying or what my life purpose here is. Its just exasperating that I could not help someone who needed my help but maybe the Universe is saying that was never my job. I read in Martin Shulmans book on the Nodes that with the North Node in Leo we need to stop taking on impersonal karma. All my life due to compassion I have tried to help others in harsh karmic life situations. I tried to stay close and give comfort but I put my own life on hold so many times. I feel obliged somehow. I feel I am skyving off if I go have a good time, but to be honest I am so sick to death of heavy tragic situations lately. Our world just seems to be so devoid of joy and love and honest to goodness spontaneity at times. I seem to get myself mired in mud at times and I am sick of it. But my own over thinking can land me there too. What I am feeling lately is that rather ruminate over situations and then get paralysed in non action I would be far better to take action. This is what I DO NOT DO.. I JUST OVER THINK THINGS often due to an over activity of air (thinking) element.

So today I need to get out of my head and into my body. It was tough week but I survived it. Somehow God put two good connections in my life this week so at the moment rather than concentrate on what isn’t going well I am going to concentrate on what is. I also need to be more conscious of what I sign up or commit for in terms of helping others. When I get caught up in dysfunctional situation I just end up getting more and more stuck and my energy gets all bound up and cannot flow forward. I am once again that soldier stuck in a war zone where the feminine energy is being besieged by terrorists which reflect the terrorists in my own head who at times block trust, truth, love, joy, innocent spontaneity and affection.