Major spin out and dark suicidal feelings

I love my family and feel an obligation to them no matter what so despite the fact my sister has not called me I called her today. We missed each other two times but when we finally connected I had the most intense reaction. I just could not stop crying during the entire call and I came off the phone and had a major spin out and spiral critic attack that went on for over an hour. I am not entirely sure why these calls trigger me so much but she was asking me about things of late and I told her they have been very tough and that I am tied up in knots about all the past dramas with supposed scammers and trust issues, she was sympathetic and it turns out she is being released from hospital and going down the coast with her son the next day. I just started crying when she spoke about swimming in the ocean down there. Its the place my Dad built and we had some time before he died. It is where I went shortly after being released from hospital after spending three and a half months in skeletal traction there after being so badly smashed up at 17. Somehow the call just triggered the entire trauma spiral in me and its been intense because after my conflict with my therapist Kat over the weekend which was resolve yesterday I was left with intense heat and burning in my body all localised around the middle of my bottom lip. It felt like there was a hard splinter lodged there of iron filings on fire and that it was trying to work its way out but no matter how much I twist this way and that I cannot spit it out.

I know I have major lessons in letting go. I felt a bit rejected by my sister’s family over Christmas but maybe its my fault. Past Christmases I wanted to keep to myself so maybe that is the reason I was not included. I just would love to be included but its not going to happen if I don’t make the effort and part of what went on during the attack was seeing my own part in things. If I had trusted more, didn’t feel I needed to isolate things may be different but at times her family could be harsh and cutting and scathing in their criticisms of others and it used to make me wary and frighten me a bit especially after I got sober.

I just know my pain body got triggered big time during and after the call. I had one of these spiral attacks where I felt like I was dying and at the end of it I was having very very intense suicidal thoughts. All I could see was a life of loneliness and darkness I have created all alone here, which does not take into account the hard work I have actually done to build connections over the past years (genuine ones) but when the critic gets a hold of me he savages and decimates and obliterates everything good in my life. After it I was thinking of Robert Firestone’s work with destructive inner voices which he claims lay behind suicidal impulses. I am sure anyone reading here who has struggled with suicidal impulses will know those voices well the are global and completely destructive and attacking and they are savage telling us EVERYTHING WE HAVE EVER DONE ENDED IN DESTRUCTION. THAT THE WORLD WOULD BE FAR HAPPIER PLACE WITHOUT US IN IT. And accompanying these voices today was just the most complete and utter feeling that overtook me that nothing is worth living for right now.

I am sorry to be sharing all of this as I know its not a ‘positive’ post but one thing I promise all followers on my blog I will be as real as I can even on the dark dark days. The intensity of some of the feelings has passed now but I did also glimpse some darker truths with this attack, much as I can blame others at times I know its my actions that have instigated certain consequences most often allied to going it all alone because of the fear I would be overpowered or repressed or shut down in some way. The head injury I sustained in 2005 was on the back of a lot of conflict with my Mum and Sister. Nasty things were said to me and they still run around my head in dark times. There were there in the rooms in therapy yesterday when Kat and I were talking of how my anger kept me alive but also ended up rebounding upon me in all kinds of negative ways. I now see Mum was trying to support me at that time in the best way she knew how but because she found her own feelings hard to deal with mine were too and often I was shamed or misjudged for them. It hurt a lot at time and I remember Mum saying to me after a confrontation in 2014 where I bought all of it up again “I wish you could have just told us in a calmer way how much what we did to you hurt you”… yes Mum but at the time I COULD NOT. I unfortunately could only scream and yell and attack and blame. I am not saying that anger was not justified but in the end it ended up pushing everyone away.

And now I see the truth is I AM POWERLESS OVER SO MANY THINGS IN MY PAST and the hurts still linger. The pain body can really ark up at times when I feel a sense of being excluded or rejected real or imagined. At times like this I probably just need to comfort my inner child and deal with the pain in as adult and loving a way as possible, for what is the use of rubbing salt into a wound that is still open and festering? I WILL PROBABLY CARRY THIS WOUND FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE, just like the mythical Chiron. I’m just SO SICK OF THE PAIN IS ALL. AND I AM PRAYING TO GOD THAT SOMETHING COULD WORK OUT FOR ME… JUST ONE GLIMMER OF SUNLIGHT OR HUMAN CONNECTION AS ITS FEELING VERY VERY DARK TODAY.