Look inside

I am contemplating the way I can let things with family upset me. I think if I have a change of view it will be better for me. Sadly I had no children due to not wanting to bring kids into the world until I was ready to be a good Mum and had dealt with my past and by the time I found myself at that point it was too late as my biological clock had wound down.

I recently watched the movie length adaptation of Birdsong starring Eddie Redmayne and I identified with his pain and sorrow over losing his love so much. It was a moving performance and I felt sympatico with the scene in which he tells Isabelle he doesn’t want to bring children into a world where he cannot keep them safe. After this conversation she leaves him and when my husband left his new partner got pregnant fairly quickly and he would not tell me until just before the baby was born (he told my mother first!)

Anyway I cant expect my sister’s family to adopt me and its silly really as my other sister who died has four boys and three of them are always asking me to go up and spend some time with them. So why complain over the ones who don’t want me when the others do?

I just got triggered during that call and globalised it all in a negative way, the inner critic got on my case and I also wonder if as an empath I picked up a bit on my sister’s energy. She was trying to be loving to me by not asking me to pick her up from hospital and asked a family friend instead and this made me feel left out but why should it when actually she was trying to do something good by taking the pressure off me?

I am just writing this as I want to try and reframe the experience I had of dark feelings today into something more positive. I am going to work as hard as I can to take care of myself through all of this. Hearing about happy families together just reminds me that I have not had success in that way and that easy togetherness and closeness is not something I have managed due to my wounds ( on some level I feel like such a failure). It is just Jasper and I now and with Scott deciding the pressure he put me under with money has been too much and promising to return it (but this means we will not meet for 30 months more due to an extended deployment) I am feeling disappointed and sad and sorry for myself. But I don’t like being in this level of pain. It is just not healthy for me. I need to be an adult, and practice some self care as well as accepting the things I cannot change and working to change the things I can.