A dark place of destruction : today’s reflections

Often I am noticing my state of mind goes into a dark place of destruction. In this place my body symptoms possess me completely I am struggling to wake up, struggling to breathe, struggling to digest my food, struggling to keep everything tidy and stain free and not let everything descend into a form of chaos. Its only when I break out of the loop and get outside the house I live in and connect with life and other people that I seem to be able to break this inner feedback loop which entraps me.

It is possible that it is what my therapist calls The Trauma Zone because all the symptoms were the same as when I was nearly crushed to death in that car back in September 1979 on the brink of my adolescence and it all repeated at the age of 42 when I was struggling following the end of my marriage and had that huge head injury that still affects me today. I awoke with burning in my head this morning, I slept very deeply. Last night I really just let myself feel my feelings instead of watching television Jasper and I sat close to the open doors leading to my outside deck and listened to some of my favorite songs which seemed to bring me very close to my soul and my heart and my body, out of my head where I can sometimes get really really STUCK.

I slept through to 6 am for the first time in ages and I took some liver herbs before hand and they obviously had an effect as my energy body was in a very strange place. I kept the air conditioning on all night as the heat was relentless yesterday (I planed to turn it off when I woke in the middle of the night but that didn’t happen.)

Its quiet frightening as I was watching Adam Hills Last Leg last night and he was saying how much every one has their head in the sand about global warming and is in denial when the fact is temps are increasingly rising. I also heard yesterday that a lot of stone fruit has actually burnt on the trees here in Australia and will be inedible, needing to be dumped by farmers. I also heard last heatwaves had wiped out entire bird populations. These kind of problems are something we going to see more and more of. I don’t want to keep dwelling in disaster scenarios but it can be where my head goes at times and I also denial is not an option. I just don’t have a lot of faith in human nature to make the necessary changes in time.

I spent the morning trying to clean all the stains off the deck from the small plumbs which drop everywhere at this time of year and all the bird pooh from my large tulip tree. And its sad to see plants I bought last week are not surviving, the heat is too relentless and in future I need to adapt things so I move then out of direct sunlight, but these signs of lack of life really trigger me within to the point where I feel that all is destruction and everything is dying.

I also avoided text messages from Scott this morning. I am just at the point I cannot take much stress. In the end they were loving messages but the uncertainty and fear I am experiencing is detrimental for me at times. I am not sure who to trust at this point with different stories coming from both sides of the issue. I just want to get to state of complete non attachment to any outcome, while knowing deep inside this is most probably a form of denial anyway.

I had suicidal thoughts again this morning but I know what is triggering them. Thoughts that I am stuck here in a big house that is a lot of work (or maybe only as much work as I make it), a house I didn’t really choose at the auction but was pushed into but the truth is at times I love this house despite its imperfections. These thoughts then lead me back to that trapped car, broken relationships and other losses and defeats. These little things trigger me and I am trying not to make them into mountains I cannot get over. All is really well, or is it? I just don’t know anymore.

I am trying to exercise gratitude for what I do have and put my energy into the things I enjoy. Listening to music last night really was good for my soul. I am also just trying to sit with myself and feel myself rather than be busy busy busy all the time. I know I need movement but there are times too when I become compulsively busy. I feel best when I don’t stray too far away from my centre and I feel happiest in my own company at the moment, maybe deep down a lot is going on with boundaries for me. I have always been very open and a bit boundaryless maybe that is now changing.