What lights you up

Its going to be a relentlessly hot day to day in Canberra Australia. The temperature gauge was already at 29 at 11 am and we are heading for over 40 degrees but Jasper and I have a spot we go to walk where there are a lot of trees and a path that winds its way beside a lake with ducks, ibis and other bird life. My whole life lights up in these green spaces and as I watch the joy on my dogs face as he frolics freely. I don’t like the bikers whizzing by though, mostly middle aged men in lyra who seem hell bent on reaching their destination than taking in and enjoying the scenery. Its a bit of a pet peeve of mine and the only things that mars our otherwise peaceful walk.

We then sit under the shade of old established trees next to a group of silver birch and have our water and coffee and I am midway through a wonderful novel by Australian writer, Kristina Olsson called Shell. Some of it resonates with my own feelings and I will share below at the end of this two passages that really echo feelings I have had her have. Her style of writing is poetic and languid I am really enjoying the book.

This morning I was stressed by yet more texts from Scott wanting the final money from me. The argument is the bank are lying to me about my funds and they will be released following this investigation. It doesn’t tally with what the bank is telling me. I am just cutting off contact for a time now. Its not leading to peace for me and my brother got on my case last week and asked me not to send any more money. Its my money and its my choice. I don’t want to write any more about what I am going to do. I need to keep it to myself from here on in. But what I am realising is that I would rather be where there is peace.

I am recognising more and more that my own happiness rests on me finding what lights me and brings me happiness. No one else knows what that is. I have to get attuned to my soul to do it. There are things I definitely know I need every day to feel well. Good food, time in nature, poetry, beauty and I love watching movies and films as well. I would love in time to get involved in some kind of movie script writing. I have never been trained in writing and maybe its not necessary. All I need to do is come up with an idea and find a way to express it. Expression for me is EVERYTHING. IT IS THE ANTI DOTE PAR EXCELLENCE FOR DEPRESSION. If I can just express from my true self and partake of what nourishes that self I will be okay. I doesn’t mean I don’t need anything from anyone else it just means that my own feelings need to be priority as long as I don’t force them on anyone else. I just need to keep my side of the street clear and clean.

Excerpt from Shell, by Kristina Olsson

The new day dawned crystalline. Pearl stood at the window and could see only a cruel beauty. The blue and white clarity of it mocked her, she would have preferred a grey rain; a mournful air. When the boys came to her after their shift, their faces emptied by the nights labour and bodies sagging towards sleep, she tried, as she knew she had to, one last time.

The crying took her by surprise. It convulsed her chest and throat, unstoppable, releasing waves that blurred her vision, weakened her limbs. But she drove. Needing to. Realised too late that she’d taken a wrong turn..

Pearl is trying to convince her brothers not to join the fight in Vietnam….. I appreciate this novel as it is set during a time when the feminine and masculine forces ragging on this planet were reaching a height. Pearl’s struggle to save her brother’s from the pain of a war they will never understand the full brunt of will strike a chord with many of us who have been witnesses to trauma outplaying due to misplaced idealism and heroism. I really recommend this book.