Do you know who you are?

I just came across the following meditation from Tian Dayton and it touches on something I have been feeling lately. How do I find myself and my own truth amidst the opinions and truth of others. As a young child because I was not affirmed, because I was seen as a burden, too lively and to needing attention from a mother who wanted to work rather than take care of me, I did not get to develop a solid sense of myself or of my loveability. In fact a lot of people who end up with so called diagnosis of borderline personality disorder (which I never did but related to many elements of as well) struggle with being told they are just attention seeking. In fact when my marriage broke down 14 years ago and I retreated to our family’s holiday house on the beach my sister said to me, after fight in which she told me she wanted to know how long I would be living in her family’s holiday house????? “you really were a naughty little girl, always throwing tantrums!” When I say this to my therapist she raises her eyes and smiles. Wow to be in trouble for needing some attention that you never got!! Is it any wonder now my sister now needs meds to get her to a level place with society deems is OK????

I was the kid who said the emperor had no clothes. I was the one who didn’t want go to the prison where a family friend was doing time after getting involved in a black market ring making conscious the hidden secret of a father who did this same thing years and years ago while stationed overseas with my parents. As young kid I obviously just picked up on something dark and didn’t really want to be a part of it and for this I got into trouble. Maybe I should have been more adaptive and more well behaved, well when I adapted then I got more and more addicted so I could act out my dark side.

Any for me as for many of us its been a long and painful road to try to find my way back to who I am and what I feel and know. It has been a big struggle to try to throw off the battle of mad and bad one, the black sheep who is all just a bit of a problem really. After a recent confrontation with my brother again what I have understood is that he just doesn’t SEE OR KNOW ME. By God he and his wife still call me by my childhood name Debbie which I hate because ITS JUST NOT ME.

With this in mind I am sharing here the following meditation from Tian’s book on Forgiving and Moving on. It really resonated with me today. I hope it speaks to others and you get something out of it.

My Own Opinions

Today I understand that I am ultimately my own judge. When I live by the code of others I become a prisoner of their opinions. Why should I place above my own other’s ideas of who I am and how I should be? Isn’t this co dependency at its very roots? Replacing my sense of self with someone else’s sense of myself? Perhaps it is a carry over from childhood where I thought I was who my parents or society said I was. Today I realise that all of us are mistaken – they, to think that I was supposed to be who they thought I should be, and me, to agree with them and set about acting it out. Other people may have good advice and guidance to share with me but I am the creator within myself.

I create my being and my life.

Who in the world then, is this man who has any authority to make any declaration about you?

Epictetus