Arguing with the past

It has occurred to me more and more lately that a lot of the suffering I cause for myself comes from not accepting the way certain things were in the past and this also involves the very real imperfections in myself that were a legacy of an emotionally barren childhood. I now see it wasn’t my parent’s fault the way they were. I know that if I could have found love in my heart (in terms of loving acceptance to allow in and accept the pain in in order to heal it) things would have gone better for me, because the times I was reactive I ended up just causing myself more harm and often detonating some relationships.

It’s not easy to go softly softly when raw wounds get triggered. My therapist makes the point all of the time that my anger at things growing up kept me going, problem being that when I was not conscious of how it was being acting out or inward (in addiction) I was not able to release own life energy to a new present. Defendedness can lead to rigidity and it can lead to judgements and arguments that keep me trapped, rather than just admitting this hurt, it caused this, I cant change it, I can only learn and make an attempt to move on.

A lot of the work in dialectical behavioural therapy involves trying to become more conscious and aware of when wounds are triggered and we relate from there with over the tops judgements and lash outs which are counterproductive. It is something Teal Swan addresses in her video on the subject of Giving A Fuck.

What she says that if we have a wound or a low self esteem its better to own it because our reactivity is triggered by this wound in us rather than anything others say to us as such. What they say can often lack a subtlety of awareness too since they never walked a mile in our shoes.

With this subject in mind I just wanted to share the following meditation from Tian Dayton on Accepting the Past. I like to share what helps me to pass the insight on. Hope it resonates with others both in and out of recovery.

Today I accept the futility of carrying on a constant argument with the past. It is my responsibility to work through and release what was painful in my past and is in my way today. No matter how much I may wish certain things had been different, I have no power to change them. Once I confront my pain, shame and anger and understand them for what they are, I can extract the wisdom I gained from these experiences, reframe them in a new light and move on. There is no need to dwell on the past if I am willing to accept it as it was. Sometimes my denial of my own past and my insistence on pretending that it didn’t hurt keeps me caught up in it. In allowing myself to be loyal to my own truth as I saw it, I can walk up to the closed doors within my own heart and open them

I can live with my past just as it was.

This only is denied to God: the power to change the past

Agathon