Innundated

I am noticing that the ocean of sadness that normally lives lapping away beneath the surface of my ego is moving a lot at the moment. I was listening to a video on Twin Flames yesterday which speaks of how certain people come into our lives to open us to our repressed places, they help us to see our limitations, the places where fear and grief lie buried and the strategies we may be using to deflect from them. And it occurs to me that maybe the fear of merging with another and the loss of our ego or sense of separateness can feel like a death for some of us, we fight against it tooth and nail because it feels like we are being erased and may cease to be. But what is it that cease to be when our ego mind dissolves in the ocean of love.

Its four days away from my Dad’s death anniversary today and he is with me in spirit so strongly at present. I have been talking to him and feeling all the love he felt for me but could not quiet express and make known to me when he was alive. Just like in the movie The Shack where the lead character played by Sam Worthington unites with the spirit of his dead alcoholic father and receives his hug and apology I am feeling that level of dissolution and this is all occurring around the time I am surrendering to Scott by trying to help him more to leave his deployment and we spoke this morning about that same wound we carry. We both lost our father at 22 and 23. And its weird too as my ex husband lost his father to cancer too in his early twenties.

Its been hard to get going as the heat in Canberra, Australia is intense at the moment. I know its only around 36 celcius not 40 or more but it really knocks me around. Some mornings I have not been able to get going with Jasper because its been too hot. Yesterday I took myself off for a pedicure and it was so nice to sit in the cool salon with no music and complete quiet and just be pampered in the air conditioning. I then came home and made lunch before Scott contacted me and we had a heated exchange over things.

Later on we went to the dog park and I had one of the most honest conversations with a woman there about suicide and emotional abuse. She shared that she suffered from depression and had had several breakdowns. She said “I know its controversial but I have decided to take my own life if I get more unwell and am too much of a drain on resources.” We were speaking about the burden on our planet of over population. I just emotionally validated how she was feeling and we talked about a lot of honest things but today I have been thinking how precious life is but how unbearable it is to be without love or a single person who understands. This woman has a great GP who she says hugs her and gives her so much understanding empathy and support. Without that, I am sure she would not want to be in a world that keeps telling her something is wrong with her or that she should not feel a certain way.

And on that subject, its probably only natural I am feeling as I am today. I notice I get triggered by too much alone time. For example when I go into the front garden I can get an attack and I think its just that it reminds me of all that was going down when I bought this place at auction. My living sister had been committed involuntarily just a few weeks before in the most deceptive way by her family. She was running a bit amok but the whole thing terrified me at the time and made me long for my own space far away from all the emotional intensity. I know I can intellectualise my own feelings at times and I stay separate. This week its felt like my head is going to explode. I only drink one cup of coffee a day but its not doing good with the weather being so hot. Part of me doesn’t want to do it while a more destructive part of me does. Its also my one way of connecting to be with people. I should really be doing some 12 step group meetings at the moment. I know if I don’t share this grief and externalise it. If I just retreat to my shell all the time its not good, but sometimes the thought of opening up terrifies me. So I go have my coffee alone and come home crying and feeling my Dad and ancestor’s love all around me. Like an ocean wave that rises from my heart and soul, for a time eclipsing my rational defences. Maybe I just need to surrender. And ask Gods help with the fear.

On arriving home just a while ago I was so grateful to a follower who liked recent post on recognising our own goodness. When I read it I realised the critic had been beating me up again and telling me I am doing something naïve and wrong by trusting Scott, when really all I am doing is opening my heart to love. The outcome is out of my hands.