Fooling ourselves

How much of addiction is about denying the truth and the real? Everything!!! It’s about running from our true feelings and pain in a society or due to conditioning that has totally geared to us not being who we are, feeling what we feel and knowing what we know. I am reading a book about women in recovery at the moment called The Recovering Heart and in it the author Beverly Conyers writes about how sobriety leads us to move from the false to the real. The sense of emptiness which we seek to fill in addiction comes from not allowing ourselves to feel and be where we are at, from believing we are not enough in some way. It also comes from us denying or suppressing our true wants, values and needs.

I broke down in tears today while watching a moving The December Boys about a couple wanting adopt a little boy and be there for him. It reminded me that even though I had parents they were never that emotionally available to me in the way I needed. I was often punished for things I should have been shown empathy and understanding for and so I learned from a young age to hide and repress and feel a great sense of shame about WHO I REALLY WAS. I learned that to be loved or accepted I had to change to be what my parents wanted, or I had to give up wanting anything at all, because to do so would just lead to disappointment. I was denied the chance to pursue the career I wanted after two tough years where I nearly lost my life and my older sister had an aneurysm. Why I cry so much over the father who hurt me and didn’t show empathy I just don’t know. Partly it must be denial but it hit me like a ton of bricks after watching that move today that MY PARENTS WERE NOT REALLY THERE AND SEEING ME AND CONNECTING WITH ME… THEY WERE PUSHING ME IN DIRECTIONS THAT WERE NOT CONNECTED TO THE REAL ME.

After my father died it was the same so of course I turned to my addictions and I feel to a great degree I’ve been living in denial every since. Denying what hurt me. Not being able to cut off and say ENOUGH. PUTTING UP WITH SCRAPS. But now its at the point where I feel I no longer want anything from anyone any more. It would be easier to be myself and just be where I am with my dog who just wants me to be where I am not chasing after any stupid ideal of what I should want or need or be.

I am spending as much time as I can these evenings just sitting out by candle light under my tulip tree and listening the silence. I have been watching far too much television just for the sake of it. Watching a good movie is fun but just zoning out to tv is not half as relaxing as listening to nature. I am loving the peace and stillness and calm I feel when I do this and limit my time on technology to certain hours.

I AM SO OVER MOBILE PHONES TOO. I recall I resisted getting a mobile until 2005 when I was homeless and so needed it due to the fact of not having a land line. I was overseas at the time boarding with others. I have decided I want to simplify my life this year. I want to spend as little time in my head as I can and more time inhabiting my body and heart. A lot of my addiction and even past recovery years have been about not facing my emotions but then I have stared to face them too in the past few years and not run or intellectualise them away as much. I know the greatest ever progress I make is when I ALLOW MYSELF TO FEEL EXACTLY WHAT IT IS I AM REALLY FEELING WITHOUT TRYING TO CHANGE, SUGAR COAT OR AIR BRUSH IT AWAY.

It may hurt to face things and embrace the pain BUT one thing I know for sure IT MINIMISES SUFFERING. We live in a culture that tells us all the time in a million ways its not okay to be as we are, to feel as we feel or be authentic. It teaches us to worship others and certain ideals. We don’t live in a culture that promotes self knowledge but if we don’t know ourselves we remain empty inside.

As Beverly Conyers points out when we don’t know ourselves or deny our feelings we have forsaken the most important relationship we will ever have and the only one the prepares us for true intimacy with others, that is the honest to goodness relationship with our True Self, rather than the false one or the one we, others or society tells us we should be in order to be accepted, loved or approved of.