Self blame is such a terrible legacy of trauma. I often used to hear such a condemning voice inside and now I answer it with love but its so harsh to struggle with this legacy of abuse and trauma. I felt the need to share this.
The undercurrent throbbing almost below consciousness runs the same, a feeling of being bad or wrong ingrained into my psyche since childhood due to the sexual attacks by loved ones. Maybe more damaging was that the traumatic experiences were never allowed expression… that meant no love, support or medical attention offered to process and work through it.
There it sat solidifying within me. As a child alone with such traumas the only way through was to blame myself, otherwise it is the family that is bad. The family was all I had, so I blamed myself. How could I not? .
The message that I’m bad became central, the core of my personality. My fear is that threads of it will forever stay. The work continues. Progress has been made, yet when winter pulls me under, the wish to sleep till spring like a bear takes hold. Each day must…
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Emerging From The Dark Night 