The energy last night was unlike anything I have experienced lately and today its been a day of drenching anxiety and negative thoughts streaming through my consciousness. I could not eat until 1 pm and then my mood shifted a bit but the inner critic attacks were relentless. Add to that that during the night a deluge of rain fell. It was torrential and I felt like it would not end and that my body containing nature was drowning from the inside. I struggled to rise, spiralling and unspiralling. This afternoon heavy gunmetal clouds are weighting down the sky. It took all my strength to get to therapy today. And I cried so deeply there. It feels there is a claim on me from so many around me needing financial or psychological support. It has been such a heavy heavy day for me. And I felt so keenly my ineptitude which is really nothing more than overwhelm.
My nephew called and it was hard for me to stop crying. He is also undergoing a lot and has so much of a struggle to support his family as an artist he now said he must take on a trade and before Mum died she asked me to make sure they were taken care of but my finances a dwindling as despite an inheritance I am due to receive its under the control of a friend of my mother’s and I don’t have any power over it at all which is very frustrating.
And yesterday I went out of my way to make sure I visited my sis on the first anniversary of Mum’s death but I had one too many coffees on the way home and just ended up exhausted.
I think its time to practice some self care. These extreme weather events seem to make me feel very unstable, there seems to be such an ominous energy of warning looming around humanity from nature, maybe I pick up on it more living alone. I said to my nephew (and he agreed) how a kind of dark vortex can surround me at times and I find myself almost pulled under by it.
Anyway I wonder how everyone else is faring today. Its a relief to have some quiet time at home with Jasper. He really is my refuge. I just feel like staying small and quiet here at home and getting as close to the peace of silence and self containment as I can. Christmas is coming soon and maybe its this time of year that is containing some massive triggers of past loss for me. As I am sure it is for so many others.
Emerging From The Dark Night 
Oh poor you, you sound utterly drained!! I really hope that once you could settle down with jasper indoors in the warm, safe haven that is your home, you felt a bit more safe and less overwhelmed. I know I’ve said it a lot recently but honestly Christmas makes everything so much harder and to have have your mum’s anniversary now too is a hell of a lot to deal with for anyone, yet alone trying to look out for family AND do therapy too! Self care is definitely important now and always – I really hope you can perhaps turn down some events you don’t have the mental capacity for or take some breaks or whatever you need to do. Maybe even turn your phone off an hour a day or just take a bath or go to bed earlier I don’t know, for me it’s yoga, writing, baths and sleep. I really hope you are okay xx
LikeLiked by 1 person
Aww thanks so much for such a caring lovely msg Twink. Its such a tough time of year isnt it? I find it so hard to self nurture..but turning the phone off seems a great idea..i hope you are okay too..some of the pressure seems to have abated tonight. Much love to you 💖🌹
LikeLiked by 1 person
I never think of it as self care but I realised the other day I’ve got better at it than I had realised. For example I enjoy baking, writing, yoga, baths etc and I do these things regularly – that’s self care right there I just hadn’t realised! Maybe you have things you do? Perhaps walking Jasper? And if not maybe it’s something you can be more aware of. You are important and you deserve some down time to recharge xx
LikeLiked by 1 person
Well i took your suggestion last night and had a bath by candlight. It was so comforting so thanks ill be doing more of it.
LikeLike
This time of year triggers so many memories and somehow it magnifies the losses in our lives. I feel it too. Please take heart and know that you are not alone. Many suffer on the holidays including myself. I have come to a point where I don’t want anything to do with Christmas. I just want it to be January. I’m working on that becase I have to realize it’s not all about me. This year, I opened myself up to joy for Thanksgiving for the first time in many years and the rewards were tremendous. I’ve been closed off for too long. I am praying for you. I know what that heaviness feels like and it sucks. You are way ahead of this in your heart and you will come out of this even stronger.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I really did that last year even though wed lost Mum just 13 days before. Im just very tired as Ive been supporting a lot of people i think the end of the year brings up that deep weariness. Cukturally and collectively we aremt slowimg down any and the earth seems to be really feeling it. Anyway today is fresh after heavy rain and we are out on a walk which is more than I managed yesterday. Much love to you Mary 💕
LikeLike
Blessings and light and love to you!! ❤ ❤
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks so much 💕
LikeLike
This time of year absolutely destroys me even when I try my best not to let it. It brings back memories and fills me with loneliness and sadness. I’m here to talk of you ever want, stay strong
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks so much…its so heavy really al.ist hard to contain all the feelings. I really appreciate you reaching out. Lots of love e 💕
LikeLiked by 1 person