Flooded with anxiety

Often when I speak to my sister I get flooded with anxiety.  There are so many empty spaces and I start to feel all these itchy and scratchy feeling in my chest as if there are ants or buzzing wasps inside me.  Today she sounded really down that the psychiatric doctor had said she was not giving her a discharge date (although she told my sister she is free to go home when she wants to), “I want to be feeling a lot more improved in my mood”.  But how just relying on medication alone is this going to happen?

  “Don’t worry about me,” she said.  But she is my sister and its real struggle to find ways to keep engaged and not have all these painful feelings of discomfort inside my body when I speak to her.  I don’t know why I am feeling like this today as when I visited her on Tuesday afternoon I felt a lot clearer and not as anxious.  I keep wracking my brains for what I can say or if I have done anything wrong.   I just rang to let her know I had a good conversation with my nephew and he was happy to come to the crematorium and collect Mum’s ashes with me when I could organise it.  Am I doing the wrong thing by asking for some support to do this?

My sister said she just feels so flat and its obvious she is just on this numb spectrum where she seems to have lost contact with all feelings.  I was trying to say how important to our sense of spiritual wellness and vital aliveness balanced access to our feelings is (including anger) and how I don’t see how drugs can give you that.  But at the same time I don’t want to force my view on her.  I have just always said no to psychiatry and medication I have always dealt with my issues by group therapy, individual therapy, exercise, good diet and prayer and mediation as well as by reading and being as informed as I can be. I also learned in those early days in AA that there is no shame in sharing my vulnerabilities with others, something that just does not seem possible for my sister.  I am an air sign not a water sign like her and so maybe I am not the best person for her to talk to as I use my mind to help with my emotions.  Maybe visiting is better than talking on the phone.  

I hope its okay to post this, I just need to externalise my thoughts.  I have therapy in an hour and 20 minutes and writing helps me to hold between Monday and Thursday, two hours a week is not a lot to contain all of this.  All those years ago when my first serious therapist wanted me to come 3 times a week and I got scared I see it would have helped me, but my ex husband felt threatened by it and wanted me back with family instead of in therapy.   I also think its time for me to get back to some 12 step meetings, there I may find others struggling with similar issues of psychological enmeshment and separation.   I really need all the help I can get at this stage.