And then I wept (tears of resolution and joy)!

There are times that the truth of what we have suffered remains obscured behind so many veils.  We struggle on alone, often, not always able to make sense of things, hurts can lodge deep and become bits of painful shard that rumble around inside, and triggered by a echo they erupt or force their way to the surface of our awareness.   I am so glad at times like this for those people who can hold me in love. They remember the whole of me. They see how reactions come out of pain and how sometimes the pain gets too much to contain and they just love me anyway.   It makes me cry when this happens and I feel so blessed to have someone in my life who is such a loving container for me, who never retaliates and always tries to see things from my perspective.  And when I have these lash outs at times I fear for my own narcissistic injuries, but I was saying to Kat in therapy today that Alice Miller in her book on narcissistic abuse for sensitive children that we are actually healing when we allow ourselves to express protest at a parents unavailability (often transferred onto a current situation which has echoes of and resonances with the past).  It means we finally know we are worth something (although how we are responded to is no reflection on our sense of worth children naturally blame themselves.)  So Kat was quite happy I was able to have my protest with Scott today and she said its good I didn’t apologise, then and there.

I never want to hurt anyone and I always try to show consideration for what others go through and I know today Scott didn’t do anything wrong, there was one of the many emergency alerts they get over there going on and this afternoon he apologies profusely and I said I was sorry to and the magical words “I was just feeling extra vulnerable and in need of connection today”… some may not know just what a big deal this is for me but it is and I am glad I could do it.  Could it be the my compulsive self sufficiency is actually transforming?

And I cried in response to his texts and in therapy.  Kat asked me “Are those happy tears?”  And I had to answer “Yes”.   It seems a miracle that someone would apologise and care enough about me to not lash back.   

I feel really happy I could reach out to my nephew today although my sister didn’t seem that pleased when I spoke to her I know there are all kind of reasons and today when I spoke to him I really felt the goodness of my father in him and of his own father who is now estranged from our family.  I miss his Dad a lot, I felt he was demonised when he ran out on my sister while knowing it came from a lack of knowing how to cope in him.  He did his best and has his own past family trauma of alcoholism he was dealing with.  

In the car on the way home from therapy I was flooded with sad and happy feelings about my Dad too.  Its been hard with the way he died to feel the softness for him.  I have, at times, transferred that pain onto my older brother and now I am beginning to love and appreciate him more.  I love the W H Auden quote that Jungian therapist Marion Woodman used to use in her many books may we “learn to love our own crooked neighbour with our own crooked heart.”  Maturity and emotional recovery shows us that not everyone is perfect or put on earth to fulfil all our desires.   There is no magical other out there or magical potion to heal us but if we are serious enough about the quest to explore the particular state of our perfect imperfection then we make progress with the kind of breakthrough I had coming home where love just seemed to flood every single cell of my body.   And forgiveness too.  And it was then that I checked the date and realised today is my sobriety birthday.  I also met my ex husband on 6 June so and 6 is my life path number.  I am a 2/4 = 6.  So it is all fitting.

I love these breakthroughs that so often come around this date and time of the year.. often a lot of suffering can proceed them.  This year it hasn’t been too bad, apart from the anxiety about my sister today.   I am doing okay and having a therapy day helps a lot. 

Venus is currently at 2 degrees of Scorpio so intense emotions will be around for the month.  It squares my Mars Saturn Moon conjunction at this degree so its natural I felt that wound today as it also trines natal Chiron in Pisces in my seventh house of relationships.  I have so much to be grateful for, I really really do.  Much as I miss my parents and loved ones passed, I felt them all so very close to me this afternoon.  I felt a gorgeous sense of completion driving home and a feeling that love was really all around me.  I know these feelings don’t last but never the less to me they are precious moments of grace and so for today I will treasure them.