The loneliness of generations

I listened to a wonderful video by Teal Swan on feeling and healing the emotional body and it occurred to me that a lot of my life I have run from a deep void of loneliness inside, sought in vain for ways to fill it when always and forever it was a cry from the soul longing to be heard.  So today I sat on the side of the bath and when this realisation of the loneliness and insecurity and all the forms of avoidance I have sought over 46 or more years became apparent I used the technique she used asking myself and inner child where it started.  What I found out was that my young self always felt alone and lonely and when I started to cry I heard my young self calling for my mother and then I realised this wound did not start with me but actually went several generations back and was most definitely my Mum’s core wound and her great grandfather’s as well.  Its something I have intuitively glimpsed before but today as I cried to the depths of my soul I reached a greater level of understanding and I comforted that child from within and then the feeling passed.

I am writing about it now after returning from a walk with Jasper.   I feel free today after attending the family party last night.  I saw and learned so much by just turning up.  I felt secure and unanxious the entire time.  I had some very real conversations with several people.  My sister in law never approached me directly only sidewards and used my childhood name Debbie (which I hate).  However, what I realised is my sister in law does not know or see me at all.   I kept the interaction on a light playful level talking about her horrendous wedding back in 1969 but in a joking way.  The bridesmaids dresses got stuffed up, I was only 7 at the time but I remember having my hair done was torture and I just wanted to be far away and playing.  In a photo which I have taken into therapy Dad is holding my hand and I have a dark glowering look on my face.

I also learned from my sister in law’s sister that their baby sister has early onset dementia and is nearly totally incapacitated.  They lost their mother I believe when she was very very young.  My sister in law goes to see her frequently so my sister in law is not an unkind or uncaring person at all, she just got badly hurt by my Mum in the early 60s and could not forgive.

I can see it all from the outside now.  I was really lucky in that Scott started texting me before training last night while the speeches were going on and that was the hardest time as seeing all the love my nephew showed for my grand niece and the emotional support and sadness at her leaving for college made me so sad that I never got that from my own Dad growing up due to family trauma.  I missed out on a lot in my life, I know that now but none of my family really care or see or think about it at all.  Never mind I cannot change it.

I rang my other sister in the hospital today and all she really wanted to know was if my sister in law had asked about her and what the dress was that my grand niece was wearing.    When I told her I loved her she didn’t reply.. Sometimes I wonder if she really loves me at all.  I just don’t feel any love from her.  I don’t want to focus on it now though.  I know the most important things is this I NEED TO LOVE MYSELF.  I told my sister I was glad I could turn up to the party and just give love.  I felt good about myself and who I am.  I have survived so very, very much and I HAVE BEEN SOBER 26 YEARS in a few days time.  THAT AS MY MUM USED TO SAY IS ONE MASSIVE ACHIEVEMENT but a bigger one is learning how to sit with feelings of discomfort and allowing things to be as they are and penetrate as they are without trying to change them and then find a way to hold and comfort that lonely lost child from within.  I Highly recommend this Video of Teal Swan’s.  I actually found myself crying and coming to massive realisations after listening to the You Tube video I posted yesterday that Rayne shared with me.  I hope you get something out of it. 

If I have learned anything at all in these last 14 years of sobriety it is this.  To heal we must face the truth and all our associated emotions without denial and defences (over time.)  We must grieve for what is lost or could not be tended in love to our childhood self in order to grown and develop and mature emotionally with a positive healthy narcissism.  And we must find ways to give ourselves what our soul is missing, longs for or most needs. In the final analysis our healing is really is all up to us.  We cannot do it all alone, but only we can take responsibility to reach out, we alone must do it!