A tearing at my insides

Well it was a very late log on to WordPress today and I am ending the day with a big stomach ache.  I went today to get a dress to wear to my grandniece’s 21st on Saturday as well as a present, and delighted as I was to be invited its not comfortable for me to be going,  I have had so little to do with the older son of my older brother over the years I have lived only 5 minutes away.  They live in a very different world to me, at times to me it seems a cold world in which the trappings of success seem to be pursued but then I see that my niece in law is a stay at home Mum, she has always been there for both daughters.   There is a very strange formal stilted energy around the entire family and even as I type this gremlins of scratchy fear and discomfort are tickling my insides in a most uncomfortable way.  It’s not going to be my scene at all and I ended up buying a very expensive dress which is not something I normally do but the assistant helped to choose it and was so unusually helpful…it has embroidered humming birds on it and flowers as well.   It was an extension beyond my comfort zone to choose the double the price dress as it really was the one I ‘loved’ because often I go for the cheaper option.  

Anyway I don’t know my grandniece at all well but I selected a lovely pair of French faceted glass drop earrings for her and the two sales assistants turned out to be very friendly and Aquarians like me.  They wanted my date of birth to send me a 20 dollar voucher on my birthday.  I am not that comfortable any more in the commercial world.  Just to spend two hours at the huge shopping centre, a mecca of materialism was not easy today, I came home in a very, very distressed highly emotional state and I had to get into bed around 3 pm just to bring myself back to my centre because I was so discombobulated I felt I was having some kind of minor breakdown.

This reversion of energy with Mercury retrograde has me feeling like not going out at all.  It will be turning direct in about a week and we had the inferior conjunction in the early hours of this morning in square to my Chiron (wounded healer) planet in the seventh house of relationship.  I have been deeply feeling my exile wounds today (and a host of associated fears)…because Chiron is also associated to the Scapegoat.  My brother’s wife is a very cold hearted woman at times towards our family and I don’t know what kind of reception I am going to get on Saturday.  She told my mother years ago she never wanted her daughter our only niece around my older sister after her breakdown.  My other sister isn’t going as she doesn’t get on that well with my sister in law either.  

Anyway.   I am going and I am not even sure why any more.  I just broke down at the shopping centre as it was almost as if I was witnessing my younger self trying so hard to do all the right things to fit in, get the right pressie, pick an appropriate dress and what not.  Was it just the inner critic giving me a hard time?  I would like following my mother’s death a year ago to try to make a relationship with this side of the family but maybe I am back in my delusions or holding out false hopes, I just don’t know (and I am probably overthinking this).  I am going to try and keep an open mind rather than keep running my inner monologues of fear and not feeling like I belong.   If I don’t feel comfortable I can leave the party after a short while or take refuge in the bathroom and at least I will have tried.   

I just long for a life outside of my family and all the past trauma is all.  And the sadder thing is that Scott has disappeared since Saturday this is the longest period we have not spoken in over 7 months.  I read up that there were mass killings where he is stationed, the African army of that country lost 118 men and the government are trying to down play it.  Elections are coming soon and so there will be an anticipated upscaling of violence as they draw near.    I am not feeling very comfortable at the moment and I really miss the contact and dread that something awful has happened to him.  I am staying positive, though,  just trying to keep finding my centre in the midst of all of this. The highlight of my day was logging onto find comments and connections from my online loved ones on WordPress (no I have never met you guys but I love you like family with the most fond affection and gratitude).  

I hope tomorrow is a better day.  I have therapy which is good.  I really need it at the moment.  I hope my stomach ache goes away soon.