Are there any happy families? : Reflections on Christmas build up.

I have just read a post on someone having a struggle and arguments with her husband over Christmas issues and it got me to thinking.  My happiest Christmases have been the ones spent alone with my ex husband after I got sober and with my Mum just her and I with no other pressure from family to get together and ‘be happy’.  Its a hard time for us anyway cause Mum died 13 days before Christmas and we lost my father on 8 January and he was very very sick that last Christmas the year he died.  My Mum had to drive him to hospital in the middle of the night on Christmas Eve and because ‘she did not want to bother anyone’ she didn’t tell anyone but just came home and put on the entire lunch herself. 

Anyway its been years now and since sobriety and in later years I think I have managed to exorcise many of the ghosts of Christmas past.  Some of them still linger such as the Christmas preceding my last relationship break up when I came home and ended up splitting up with my ex as he felt neglected  due to the fact I was ‘putting family first”.  There was much much more to it than that as we had broken up not less than four times before. but the pain of never seeing him or his dog. Sally again after coming home thinking everything was going to be okay was  devastating at the time.  Mum and I had a huge argument on the back of it and I ran off to Sydney in a huff setting myself up for more emotional trauma and damage.     

For myself now I try not to have too many expectations about Christmas.  It was so lovely to be invited to go North to spend it with my now deceased sister’s son and daughter in law and their family this weeked.  I am not sure if I will go or not, I would like to but there is a lot to organise including having Jasper minded and he is my family and I don’t like to leave him at Christmas but I know its going to be a little lonely if I just stay here.   I will manage though and I may actually choose to volunteer on Christmas Day at a soup kitchen or something just go spread some love.  It is such a relief to no longer be so caught up in all the sadness and pain over past losses.   I am finding that these days I have so much more acceptance in my heart for the traumas we all went through.  Life has been BLOODY HARD I am no longer blaming myself as much for what was way beyond my control (or anyone else for that matter).  I just think also its more realistic to realise not all of us have happy or trauma free families.   Christmas can bring up so many hidden issues, wounds and hidden needs and expectations so it pays to be tender, mindful and merciful with ourselves and everyone else as we head into this difficult time of year.