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Sad to see

It can be sad to see when you look back and understand harsh realities maybe something you were struggling with not knowing the cause.  I just wish now in my life I had courage to front up to far more things and be an active participant but at times I see life really frightened me and I did not really feel I had the skills to cope and so it was easier to hide away in my addictions and recovery.  That said walking this path I also see longer range influences and causes that have made me the way I am and as the youngest child in a very overwhelming family it was not possible not be all caught up in the emotional neglect that then triggered big inner hungers over unmet needs not only personal but also collective that I was trying to understand and heal.  

I went to see my sister at the hospital psyche facility yesterday.  Luckily she only had a hour between classes they give there to spend with me.  The classes are  not about anything internal like family dynamics but about topics such as sleep and self care.   I hope she gets something out of it.  It was a relief in a way to feel I could leave after an hour as it is not easy to make conversation about purely external things, we are just on such a different wavelength and that is fine, my sis does not need to be like me, nor I like her.  I just wish I felt a stronger bond with someone in my family. 

When I left her I went to the shopping centre and café close to the hospital we used to take my older sister who was then living in an assisted care home for people with disability and acquired brain injury.    I went shopping for a new top at the shop we used to take Jude or buy her gifts.  It was a strange but good feeling, sad to know my sister has passed on, although I felt happier knowing I am free of the need to be there for a sister no other family members apart from my Mum used to see more than very very infrequently.  Her life was so lonely tragic and sad, but that said she maintained a positive attitude right up to the end.  She never blamed anyone.   

I see how bonded to my sister like glue I was due to the fact she was more like a Mum to me but it was unhealthy in later years before her stroke as she encouraged me to drink at lot at 13.  The therapist I ended up leaving that I just shared a post about yesterday actually thought this was really funny and kind of great that we could get up to mischief together, but drinking to excess is no laughing matter.  Just shows so many therapists know so little about alcoholism and addiction recovery.

Anyway I bought a nice top and came home to a house that I am happy in now.   I managed to finally find a really great guy to help me with my garden this week, he is soft and kind.  Over the past 7 years of living here I have had a succession of disasters with gardeners running roughshod over me and causing mayhem.  Wont go into it but the worst one occurred shortly after Mum died and upset me so much.  The second last one was always late and then just disappeared.   I try to cut people slack but it used to stress me when he just never showed up at the time he said he would. 

So much in my life is going really really well now.  I have integrated so much of the pain and dysfunction of my past.  I know it wasn’t about me.  I know I really struggled especially with the guilt that I am not more actualised in terms of an outer career but why judge myself in terms ofexternals when really its the inner world I have learned more about and has been my path of healing.  I hope I help in some small way with my blog to help others and have a purpose.

I am also seeing that my need to hold onto biological family at any cost has held me back.  Often our soul tribe is not our family, I know that now.  I know in recovery circles they talk all the time about finding a new family or origin, these are the ones who love you for you, who don’t abuse you or dismiss you.  They get you, sure you don’t have to throw out family and can just keep a distance and that happens more when you are not as enmeshed as I used to be, always looking for the love I wanted in ways they could not give.  Now I just try to give myself that love.  

I am so blessed in so many ways but as Scott and I were texting this morning I told him I found myself crying for all the grief, illness, loss and sadness I have seen in my family.   He said he feels the same about the situation he is in with those trying to hurt others, terrorise them and bend them to their will.  God knows there is so much pain in the world but allowing ourselves to SUFFER over it in an intense way that robs all joy is not positive.  It just is not.  And what of our power to make things better where and when we can and look for the good and happy and pleasures in every day simple things?   

I shared some words from the post on Awakened Men I reblogged from Energising Sols with Scott yesterday as he always talks about wanting to protect me and the strong independent side of me arks up a bit at this but isn’t it true that that is what the inner masculine should do for us?  Ideally it should be a loving force we use to set healthy boundaries, it should fire us with the strength to act for self care and self support as well as fighting for the protection of others.  And how good to find a man willing to do this.  As women we need to be able to embrace our feminine side as well as our divine feminine.   Men need this of us, masculine and feminine roles are all over the place these days and so it should be as everything about polarities is shifting and we are always learning more about what hurts us or divides us from love and loving.  

The divine feminine is not even recognised in our culture and as I look at the critical task of empaths going through struggles with narcissists as well as our own shadow of unevolved narcissism within it all seems to have a far greater purpose.   As John Mayer sings, we are all ‘In Repair’ .. not together but getting there.  Do we ever arrive?  I am not sure but what an amazing journey and look at all the amazing people we get to share it with.  Being part of groups like WordPress and the Awakened Empath group I am seeing how similar our struggles really are, how archetypal.   And the best thing WE ARE NEVER ALONE.  It only seems like it when we suffer from soul loss and/or disconnection from our true selves.  And that is what I feel so many of us are working so hard to heal and we are making progress.  So things although sad are also positive.  We just need to keep remembering love is stronger than fear and we can make a difference in some small way every day by our attitude and through being willing to connect inwardly.

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Published by: emergingfromthedarknight

"The religious naturalist is provisioned with tales of natural emergence that are, to my mind, far more magical than traditional miracles. Emergence is inherent in everything that is alive, allowing our yearning for supernatural miracles to be subsumed by our joy in the countless miracles that surround us." Ursula Goodenough How to describe oneself? People are a mystery and there is so much more to us than just our particular experiences or occupations. I could write down a list of attributes and they still might not paint a complete picture pf Deborah Louise and in any case it would not be the full truth of me. I would say that my purpose here on Wordpress is to express some of my random experiences, thoughts and feelings, to share about my particular journey and explore some subjects dear to my heart, such as emotional recovery, healing and astrology while posting up some of the prose/poems which are an outgrowth of my labours with life, love and relationships. If anything I write touches you I would be so pleased to hear for the purpose of reaching out and expressung ourselves is hopefully to connect with each other and find where our souls meet.

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6 thoughts on “Sad to see”

  1. I’m sorry you don’t have a closer connection with anyone in your family, but for what it’s worth, I do see you as someone who’s stronger than they give themselves credit for and incredibly self-reflective. Speaking from experience though I know being self-reflective isn’t always a good thing (prone to over analyse, having a higher level of recognition where others can be blissfully ignorant etc). I hope your sister gets on okay and finds the hospital psych facility helpful. Glad you managed a little retail therapy and that you’ve had some help with the garden. It’s wonderful you can still see the positives that are happening in your life, especially as knowing the good things exist doesn’t necessarily make life any better/easier, no matter how grateful we may be for them. But noticing them is still important, especially when working through the grief and mixed emotions like you are, which is exhausting without the rest of things to deal with in life. Have a restful evening xx

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    1. Thank you Caz. I actually called my brother which I don’t do a lot and he works and forgets to call but im realusing I feel better when I reach out anyway. I do think over introspecting/analysimg can be damaging..taking action to change things and nurture the positive is SO IMPORTANT. It really truly is. Much much love to you. I hope you are having a good xox night 💖💖💖

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      1. I overthink a lot (understatement) and find it exhausting, even when I know better than to do it, I still do. I need some time out to get my head straight and focus on ‘nurturing the positive’ as you say. Doing this, and reaching out, isn’t easy, which is why I think you’re doing better than you probably think. I’m glad you called your brother. Small steps, whatever you can do to lift your soul.. Have a good night yourself, and a restful weekend xxxx

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      2. I find sometimes just doing something and getting into my body and the present moment helps, Caz. It can end the rumination if you try to mindfully just concentrate on the moment. But is still possible to be reflecting when we do that which is kinda nice. I hope you have a lovely weekend. I am taking my sis out today… hugs and love. xoox

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  2. I’m completely connecting to this. I held on to my family for way too long. But definitely held me back in my healing. I’m slowly learning that biology is simply biology, and family has nothing to do with that

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