No word from my nephew

Do you struggle when you reach out to family and your efforts are rebuffed?   I know I have battled to connect to different family members over the years and when my older sister had her cerebral haemorrhage at 34 we lost contact with her sons for years.  The oldest one was more like a brother to me being born when I was only 6 and he used to come and visit regularly while my sis was still alive in later years and my Mum too but when Mum died my brother said to me “the boys won’ have a reason to visit Canberra any more because there is no reason to visit!”,  OUCH that hurt!!!

Anyway he did come to visit when my sister died and stayed with me.  There was a bit of a clash when he and his brother came home at 3 am drunk after the funeral and I hit the roof due to another issue.  I am not used to drinking in my home and I never dictate what others can or cannot do, but being sober for over 20 years now I don’t like much the dissociated state of people who have had a lot to drink.  He came to stay two more times and then for Mum’s funeral when I sensed a growing shift and distance within him.  When I said goodbye to him at the wake I just had this dreadful deeply sad intuitive feeling “I am never going to see you again.”

I reached out to him via email the other day as his brother said he had had an accident which was a lot like one my sister had when she cut all the tendons in her arm with a knife and so I just sent him a message to say hi and send love but nothing came back.  It’s sad as I was very close to his wife for some time but she deleted me as her friend on Facebook when we had a disagreement because I was showing empathy when her last round of IVF failed and she told me she didn’t need or want it and was perfectly fine.   A few days later our connection vaporised.  And when Mum died she said she could not be in touch with me because her grief for Mum had to be dealt with first.  Anyway its all water under the bridge and I don’t even really know why I am writing or dwelling on this at present.  I told my nephew what happened between his wife and I because I was concerned and now all contact has ended.  I heard from his brother that my nephew’s wife had contacted him concerned that my older nephew is drinking too much.  She used to email me about this as well, the family disease of alcoholism is all through our family, its been a way of dealing with trauma and my nephew functions quite well with the amount he drinks that said its his way of coping and he told me when Judy died he know he has a problem.  He carried so much trauma as he was the one to find his mother when she collapsed, he was 12 at the time and later his father abandoned he and his brother and he had to find his own way which he has achieving good success but always suffering from what he told me is ‘imposter syndrome’.

I know there is a time to let family members go (though nothing they do can stop me loving them and hoping for contact).  Just because we have a family of blood does not mean we will stay connected spiritually or emotionally.  I miss my nephew but I kind of understand why he didn’t reach back out to me.  His Grandma is gone now and its to her he felt the connection and not to me, although when I had my breast cancer he did write and say how important to him I was.  I guess I cannot know why he did not reply.  I sent a second email just saying that a good friend had died and I needed to tell him (my nephew) I love him as life is short and we don’t know when we can be taken and how important it is to let the people we love know.

I don’t think I have done anything wrong but all kind of things run through my mind when I don’t hear back.  Maybe he just decided he didn’t want anymore contact.  I am writing this just to externalise my thoughts.  It’s a rainy day here and I am trying to focus on having the most positive day I can.  I am glad I can feel peace not hearing back from him, maybe I will never really know why he is choosing to have no contact but just need to accept it.