Understanding the roots of my inner child’s pain

I am a little bit clearer and more back in my adult self tonight after the most painful day.  I did not realise how age regressed I was earlier when Scott went awol, but tonight I did and I am appreciative to fellow bloggers who understand that difficult terrain and helped me through their support and comments.

I cannot really expect a relationship to heal the wounds from the past that are very deep and involve being emotionally neglected and abandoned over and over again.  I am seeing after crying all the way home from the shops today over all of my past broken relationships how far back the wounds go and why I had such a major lash out today.  The pain did not belong to this relationship today and until I learn to contain things better I am probably going to keep blowing up relationships.

I actually got back into bed this morning to try and meditate and hold the intense pain I was in, it felt better than when I lash out and I think I was in what abandonment therapist Susan Anderson called the outer child when I did.  When the relationship with Scott goes well it gives me so much peace, he allows me to be needy and validates that which is something I feel I could never feel or be with my parents.  I survived by learning to deny my needs and then get dismissive of them or of others who needed me and I would blow it all off.  I did this with my ex husband just two years before we separated and I see now it was a failure to contain my feelings that was at the base of everything.  However I know also its not ‘all my fault’ my husband didnt like me having therapy and at certain points did try to undermine it.

Today when I was going through all the deep pain and texting furiously I saw that it was my own attention, understanding, empathy and compassion that was most needed.  I just didn’t have the restraint not to pull it all back in but then I don’t think it is even necessary to beat myself up for this tonight.  I really truly have been through so much of my life and I know its no excuse for lashing out but there was a very good reason. I know I can do better in the future.  It may be some time before I am well enough to have the healthiest of relationships and someone disappearing for hours and hours not enabling an issue to be resolved is an ENORMOUS TRIGGER FOR ME.

I think I also have some boundaries to set because I actually need someone in my life who is going to be more available and not trigger me as much.  I know when I set boundaries in relationships I had to let go of because I was being hurt, although it felt painful and tough to do that the gains were well worth it.  I actually was able to reconnect with someone I had to stop seeing for a while due to her consistently triggering my insecure attachment and the last time we met she actually corrected the behaviour and we had a really loving meeting.

I know for sure now when I am reacting or lashing out, it is never for no reason.  An old wound is being  triggered for me and its a message that I have some self care to practice in my life.  If it is a sign important needs are being unmet or undermined then I need to take some action in order to feel better.  It may mean I am really sad if I have to prune out some dead wood from my life, but as in gardening after the pain of pruning, new life is able to flow more vigorously through the amputated plant limbs and more flowering results.  It may take some time to happen but if I am patient and consistent in my recovery in time I trust to know now I will feel the benefits.  The price of that new growth may however often be (at least for me) a significant amount of grief, anger or pain but it is a necessary part of the healing process.