The Aftermath

I’ve had a strange day today after the funeral yesterday.  Its been hard to get going. Jasper and I didn’t manage our walk this morning in the aftermath of the grief of the funeral, the pull to the past memories, the advent of my dead Mum’s first birthday since passing and finally the call I put through to my sister at the hospital as well as wrangles with Scott over what I have been sharing publically in my blog it took until 10.30 to eat breakfast.  I did some blogging then rushed out to get some food for lunch, but I started to get really intense anxiety then, as I had been reading an article on the fragmented self which lies at the heart of the core wound of kids raised with inadequate mirroring, support and empathy.  In the article the writer claimed that emergence of the true self of a person is attended by a lot of anxiety as the parental preventions or defences against it are enormous and it can mean that as the true self starts to burst through we can feel anxious, scattered and fragmented.

I think yesterday’s funeral also brought up a lot of my trauma. It was a pull back to the painful events of 1983 – 87 and I am sure that Pluto was then in the early degrees of Scorpio where Venus has been and retrograde Venus as I said before takes us back into the underworld of past relationship issues as it moves backwards.  I also had an argument with Scott about how much I share on this blog about him.  He was offended by those saying he is a scammer and out to do me out of my cash.  In fact to save the relationship he want to send back all the money sent so far and just keep speaking via messenger until we can meet at the end of his deployment except I really want to meet him and due to a gift from my Mum’s estate I can do it.   Anyway maybe I am best not to post about all of that on line.  I wrote a post earlier that I took down on being muzzled.  I felt controlled when he told me he feels I am not keeping our relationship protected and safe by sharing details of it on line.  I have always kept within the military guidelines of Opsec and Persec on her so as not to endanger his mission.   I never mentioned ever where he is stationed or any other details.

Anyway I am due at therapy in 45 minutes and I am grateful for that.  I am getting a lot of Inner Critic attacks today.  Spending time with others who have functioning relationships and jobs always makes me feel so inadequate and wrong.   I judge myself and feel I should be further along and not struggling as much as I am, even though one of my best friends said to me last night she thinks I am doing so well and have given her so much help to understand herself over the past 7 years.  She shares a voracious inner critic too and we speak about that issue a lot.   I am being extra hard on myself today.  I can just feel it.  The anxiety is high and I am just glad I have therapy soon.  Plus it is super hot today (33 degrees C) so maybe its okay for Jazzie and I to have a lay day!