The funeral

Well I made it through the funeral and it felt as though my body was splitting apart with the avalanche of tears.  The opening track they played was “You’ll Never Walk Alone” and I cried with the memories associated to that lonely time in England when we first met my friend Gerry who ended up marrying my best friend’s friend Carmel.  I have a lot of painful memoires of that time as it was shortly after my Dad had died just one month before my 23rd birthday and my two terminations of pregnancy to a man who never truly loved me and ended up abandoning me twice in the cruellest of ways.   Is it any wonder I was crying so hard, it wasn’t only for Gerry but for all the associated memories.

I am glad that my inner defences did not prevent me going today.  I never feel like I belong as a sober person in a room with a lot of people who are drinking at a wake.  Don’t get me wrong I do not judge them its just not the way I can live now.  I lasted for two and a half hours but when some of my friends were getting onto their sixth glass of champagne I really didn’t want to be there any more.  It was a relief to get home to Jasper and my cosy house and (wickedly a small bowl of chocolate ice cream with whipped cream… my one indulgence besides coffee.)  The truth is I shame and blame myself all the time for not fitting in and make excuses for why I feel scared to be in a sad situation which sparks so many older memories, imprints and traumas but the truth is a lot of those people have not had one tenth of the trauma I had up to even that point when I first met Gerry all those years ago (32 now!).

I felt so sad to know Gerry is gone because he was such a gentle and loving soul, he gave to his children, he came from an exceptionally poor background in Scotland and he valued his relationships far about any material possessions.   He and Carmel had a loving relationship I feel they were blessed in so many ways.  There was a quietness to Gerry, a kind of knowingness.  You could not help but feel he sensed far more than he ever spoke of.  I have heard it said only the good die young, it may not be totally true but it is the sensitive and gentle amongst us who will be so sorely missed, maybe I felt an affinity with Gerry cause I have some of his qualities myself, maybe it was that he felt like a soft man in a life of mine that has had a dearth of soft men in it.   Today was an opportunity to grieve too, and to recognise some of the depth of sadness I carry at this time of year so close to the anniversaries of both my mother and father’s deaths.

I am grateful I did not have to hold back the tears today.   I am grateful I can feel.  I am so grateful I am sober.