Moon opposite Pluto

Well the Moon in Cancer opposed Pluto yesterday and I lost it with Scott over the money issue and I also got news that my friend from long years ago passed away and the funeral is this afternoon.   Pluto rules death but it also is in a very challenging aspect to my own Moon.   I looked back at the lash out I had yesterday and see it wasn’t all about Scott really but about my own longing to be held in love and about a ton of other frustrations and losses.  I have been reading up on the scapegoat archetype and she mentions how scapegoats often become the emotional caretakers in order to get surreptitious needs for care and attention met that never were but then end up empty, angry silently grieving and exhausted.

The failure of being held, noticed and seen is something that comes up a lot in therapy lately and I tried to touch upon it in my poem on the Cancer Moon yesterday.  We have mother and father loss along our multigenerational line on my Mums’ side and from this context the issue of emotional dysregulation and neglect is write large.  Scott also has Saturn in Cancer which is about a wound to the mother or inner child but I have noticed that this generation (born 1975 – 1976) also can be very emotional and nurturing themselves seeking a healing for the deeper wound of which they may not be fully conscious.  Many of then are children of Baby Boomers whose parents went through World War II.  They suffered in some way because of the mothers’ defences, loss of connection to the nurturing feminine source or other wounds.

The military wants over 50,000 dollars for a replacement soldier to take Scott’s place.  It hit me like a knife in the guts.  He asked me to pay it but then when I lashed out told me he will return all the money to me he has sent so far if I don’t feel comfortable helping or sending it.  But this hurts like hell because it means we wont meet for at least another 6 months and maybe even longer if things escalate where he is (could be up to 2 years).  I’ve been crying a lot today with pain and frustration.  I truly don’t know what to do.  Maybe I need do nothing and just sit with the pain and conserve my energy before the funeral which is at 4.30 pm today.  These are old friends from the days when I was drinking and taking drugs.  They stopped that behaviour as well but this funeral is going to bring up a lot for me.  And I feel a bit torn to be honest.  I will go only for a short while to the wake afterwards.   I need to take care of myself today.  I am feeling very fragile.

I know the intensity of feelings I have is very deep and complex.  I just sent a long tearful apology to Scott.  He didn’t deserve the way I lashed out.   It hurt him a lot.  That said its natural I am feeling these feelings.   I am just trying today to count the blessings I have but its hard.  My life is very lonely here with very few soulful friends.  By farm my best real honest emotional connections are with WordPress ‘friends’ but sadly we cannot meet in person.

The Sylvia Bretton Perrera book on the Scapegoat says that our destiny is to form a community of exiles as we have a purpose to be creative out of our wounds and so seek a healing for softer shadow energies repressed in our culture.  I so often feel that community forming here.  Here is always the place I can come to to pour out my heart and to feel less alone.   Even when my heart is aching as much and feeling as raw and sore as it is today.