Breaking through fear to risk and trust

I am not going into long winded posts today but I am taking a risk to trust over the next few days.  I will keep followers posted with how things turn out.  I am never entirely sure if I over share on here.  I always am an open book, its just the way I operate coming from a family where no one spoke much about the important things and a tight lid was kept on everything.  When I think more now about the current retrograde of Venus in Scorpio and how Pluto as one ruler of that sign governs those deeper emotional truths that are hidden and that it just came very close to my Natal Neptune in the third house prior to its backward movement on the 5th of October I am thinking about ancestral feelings that got buried and it may sound strange by my ancestors have been talking to me a lot lately about traumas they went through, most especially my male ancestors on Mum’s side of the family.

Anyway I find myself crying a lot as I was yesterday when it looked like Scott my internet friend was not real.   We had been talking just the day before about the terrible legacy of war and he as seen so much of it being in the armed forces and most especially about my grandfather who died from World War One injuries.   That is why yesterday when I thought he may be a scammer again I was so deeply upset as my therapist and I talk all the time about how I am turning around my ancestral karma, starting with getting sober in 1993.   I have done a lot of work on the maternal legacy and seen the sad pattern that resulted from the emigration of my great great grandfather in 1874 and led to his alcoholism.  I had felt that this connection with Scott was actually chosen by my soul and his too and that is what I actually felt in my body last night, after I deleted his chat we started to talk again and I felt the energies and got out of my head and fears and into the experience of what is actually happening in the multi-dimensional reality between us.  Getting him out of where he is is all part of this healing as I see it.  I have been getting emails from someone who knew me a long time ago to tell me Scott is a scammer and I got another one yesterday saying she is glad I know he is a scammer now. The fact is I don’t know.  He could well be, and he may not.   Life is just never certain.  It is full of risk.  For today I am choosing to trust.  I may be proved in time to be the biggest idiot of all time for doing so and be crying even more in a weeks time if he never shows up.  If so you will be hearing about it.  It will all be grist for the mill for more poetry and writing.   I love the fact I can use any experience at all in this way, dark or light and I was reading a beautiful piece of writing in Charlotte Joko Beck’s book on Zen Buddhism yesterday that said when we open to embrace everything both joy and sorrow, betrayal and success we come to realise what an amazing journey life is, if we just don’t resist it, fight, withdraw or try to control it so hard.  And Neptune is all about letting go, as is Scorpio which is also about facing the dark side things we may not like to see but eventually have to face if we want to really grow and expand our hearts and being beyond dualistic, fear laden, defensive reactions.