The author of our own suffering

Maybe in the end It is only us Who are the author of our own suffering In choosing as we do What to make of those things That cut or hurt or burnt or bled

When so much happens to us that is outside of our control How do we live with the wreckage As well as the stored charge Of that vibration of suffering that lives inside of us?

Eckhart Tolle gives a name to this stored charge : The Pain Body

Our pain body lies dormant And can be triggered by new events That awaken old traumas or injuries Not everyone of us has the same size pain body For some of us the pain body is very big Because we have witnessed or experienced so much pain For others of us it is not so much

How much we chose to respond from the Pain Body once we become conscious of it is up to us  We can feed the pain body with thoughts and judgements in our minds Instead of just being present with the charge of experience and sensation

In her book Nothing Special :  Living Zen Charlotte Joko Beck reminds us that most of us respond to experience and to others either by conforming to please, attacking or withdrawing These correspond to defensive strategies Pete Walker speaks of in his book on Complex PTSD fawn, fight or flight.  We may also freeze

At first prior to consciousness of these reaction patterns we don’t have authority over how we respond In time as we become aware of ourselves we do Then it is we become the authors of our further suffering

We can use mindfulness or what Dan Seigel calls Mindsight to watch what we do and how we respond in our lives When we are propelled to please, attack or run away we can pause.  We can notice our breath.  We can be with the cascade of sensations arising Only then do we gain power over our reactions and responses  But it does take a lot of concentration attention awareness and work.  It also involves us opening our hearts to what is really going on deep inside instead of just reacting.