Denying feelings of longing for acceptance : insight into avoidant attachment

Many of us may find it hard to love and accept ourselves.  This is an issue the Elain Aron raises in her book that I shared about recently The Undervalued Self.  This lack of love and acceptance traces back to the past where we were not really shown love for who we were nor acceptance.  Parts of us may have been shamed or neglected, some of us like me who were left alone a lot learn to develop a self protection of minimising our true needs for love, acceptance and connection.  It seems easier to deny we actually need these things from others since honestly facing that we do can bring up hurt from the past we may not fully understand, as we never consciously nderstood we actually were neglected or abused for just being who we are and wishing for connection.

Avoidant attachment develops out of such defences, it also develops out of having had painful relationships or lots of hurt growing up, especially invalidation.  We may have been hurt or misunderstood so much by a less than sensitive or empathic world that we decide it is just too hard to relate to others or that the cost of relating comes at too high a price.  We may also avoid, withhold or cut off due to fear of truly expressing who we are, what we feel, need and desire and then we can shame others for doing so too.

It is an issue that is addressed in the book Attached : The New Science of Adult Attachment and How it Can Help You Find and Keep Love.    According to authors Amir Levine and Rachel Heller the Avoidant person uses a lot of criticism and tends to look for the flaws in others instead of the good qualities in a relationship tending to see and fixate upon the worm in the apple instead of the whole apple or the glass half empty.  They may have lessons to learn in accepting that no one is perfect especially if perfection was demanded of them in childhood and developed as a defensive reaction against parental neglect or criticism.    They may fixate on the negative qualities and forget the positive ones until after they have thrown the relationship out and wake up to the sad fact only much later that for the time more positive qualities were eclipsed under the intensity of an automatic knee jerk reaction to run a mile or deny there was actually a need that made them feel vulnerable.

I have noticed in myself at times when things go wrong in a relationship the person can tend to become all bad, instead of just having done a thing that was annoying.  I will want to get away from the person and then may try to blame them, but its better just to point the said thing out in order to keep the connection, rather than throw the baby out with the bathwater so to speak.  I can also lose sight of the positive and lovely things in the person at the same time, tending to magnetise their faults and flaws.   I may tell myself “well I don’t really need them, I am far better off alone” but then I find I am lonely and see that I may have blown something out of proportion.

I am thankful to the Elain Aron book for pointing out how the use of a defensive self protection which guards against a fear of intimacy can develop.  I am also grateful to the Levine and Heller book which is helping me to grow in understanding.  I am learning that it is scary too for me to speak for my needs, and that is something Elaine also addresses in her book.

in her effort to avoid further hurt (the Innocent) may decide she does not need anyone else, or she may entertain you with her fantasies of greatness, which counteract her sense of powerlessness and shame.  In this case you need to get at not only her feelings of worthlessness but her denied longing for love and acceptance.  If she feels shame about being weak or too needy, always explain that these feelings are understandable and normal for someone in her situation and that you like her ability to admit to them.

Maybe (inner work with the Innocent) will remind you of a time when the innocent was defeated by another kid, felt ashamed, then started grabbing all the toys and ran off… you can hear her parting shot to her enemy “I wont play with you – you’re greedy and bossy.”  Does this accusation come up because lately she’s being greedy and bossy?  The fear of defeat and shameful humiliation can make any of us act that way.  You know she is projecting if what she so dislikes in others could be very true of her.  Whatever the flaw you want to help her accept it and feel less shame about it.  You can say.  “We’re all greedy now and then,” or “Your friend is bossy and sometimes you are too, but is that so terrible?”  It can be especially helpful to connect to memories of people in the past who judged that certain feelings were bad or who were so highly critical of everyone that the innocent had to deny having any faults at all in order to escape their judgement.

To help the innocent stop using any of the self protections, you need to get down to the underlying feeling of worthlessness and accept whenever she feels so that she can stop feeling ashamed.  If she can stoop feeling this shame around you, she can try dropping the self protections, at least when the two of you are speaking.  (lessening the need to deflect by blaming others when one of our self protections is threatened.)

Self protections can and sadly do block off the ability to live and love fully.  As Donald Kalsched has explored in his book The Inner World of Trauma they can function to sabotage attempts at healing and connection and even orchestrate the suicide of a person whose defences are strong enough to protect the deeper true self with all its past fears.   They may keep us locked in addictions.   Avoidance may appear to keep us safe for a time but in the end we are wired for connection and without it we are far more vulnerable to mental and physical illnesses and emotional distress.