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When my body attacks occur around the hours of the day leading to my birth I often wonder how much it is our body actually remembers and encodes deep within.  This was the time of day my Mum was left alone as a child as her mother worked.  Its the time of day I had my second accident when I was on the run from family.  I have actually come up with a big lump on my head from the pressure building inside me on the lead to the anniversary of my first accident.  And even though its many years ago and I am sure so many would not understand  how it could still be affecting me it does.   I feel very tired today and I was okay sitting at home writing poems but also conscious that Jasper, my dog needed a run about.  We are due for high winds and bad weather this afternoon so I did take him out, but it was a relief to get back home to be honest.

This ongoing separation from Scott is also driving me crazy.  The first money I sent to get him out of his deployment had to be returned as the bank wanted to charge pheonomenal fees to cash it.  I sent more money via the bank last Friday and it still hasn’t arrived but the moment he told me this and asked me to check it I just got flooded with anger and fear.  I wanted to cut off all contact.  Its disruptive only hearing from him after 11 pm at night.  I really need my sleep so the last two nights I have been turning off the phone and anytime he keeps asking me to keep a track of the money I just feel like screaming.   Once its been sent from this end I have no control over it the other end and if it has to be sent through a number of accounts it can take up to 10 days.

At the moment I am just wishing to God that I had never connected with him in the first place but then last night I started to really feel sad as the connection we have had is so nurturing when its flowing well.   The solution I have come to is just to detach at this stage.  I wont keep waiting up for calls and last night luckily I slept through from about 11.30 pm to just before 6 which is a good sleep for me and of course I ended up missing him, but its better that I get my sleep.  Last night I asked him to just pull back a bit on the declarations of undying love, some of them are so beautiful to read but its frustrating too as a real relationship involves meeting the actual person and I am not willing to fully give my heart until that happens.  Until then if the money doesn’t go through he could end up being deployed for up to 7 more months.  I cant do anything about it and that puts me at times in a powerless place.

Anyway today I am just keeping my focus on taking care of my own life and world.  I know if I don’t I wont have anything to give anyone, least of all myself.   I also need to count the blessings of what I do have here instead of getting trapped in longing for something that at this point is uncontainable or undoable.   Transiting Mars due to retrograde movement has been sitting on my natal Mars Saturn Moon for over 4 months now so the degree of frustration has been intense and its no wonder I’ve come up with a lump on my head.  I have not had a physical relationship with anyone for over 7 years now and I think its only a human natural need, but its not only that this is also about being able to express in other ways as well.

Scott’s effusiveness comes from this Sun Venus Mars Uranus Conjunction in Libra which forms a really beautiful aspect with all of my Aquarian planets, we are both air signs so we naturally talk about our feelings a lot but mine are more reserved due to the Saturn Moon which makes me fearful and held back.  Its a side of myself I don’t exactly love but it does make me practical in matters of the heart.  But his free and intense Mars Uranus is more liberated than my squashed in Mars Saturn Moon aspect.   Its one that has dogged me in many relationships.

My Mum was never able to express physical affection for us anyway when we were young and the intense cleaning and duty bound aspect of Saturn Moon is something astrologer Liz Greene has spoken about in depth in several of her books.  She writes that with Saturn Moon the body bears an unconscious disappointment which often leads to crying in the tissues and other illnesses.  I seem to battle a lot of phlegm and congestion anyway since I’ve lived alone and following my breast cancer.  I am constantly working to adjust my diet and the amount of exercise I get so the blockage doesn’t fix too much in place.

I had to wait hours to be born as Mum would not go to hospital until she had bottled the last jar of the plum jam she had made.  I had to wait at home all alone after school when we moved for my parents to come home, I had to wait in the car while the whole family went into the Club to have a good time.  I had to wait in a crushed up car to be cut out.   Waiting waiting waiting … it seems at times to be all I ever do which is why when I am stopped from forward movement I try to move in another direction for if the energy builds up too much as an air sign I start to feel very confined and as if I am going to explode and I can keep this going by confining myself as well and attacking any desire I feel for change or forward movement.

Anyway I have felt for some times that the attacks I have between 5 and 7 are related to DNA issues as well as epigenetic factors from my maternal side as well as the impact of that second trauma that occurred around that time in 2005.  The imprints live on in me and the best I can do is work to manage them.  A few weeks ago instead of having attacks I found I was instead around that time of day beginning to feel intensely lonely and sad (these are feelings my Mum also would have felt left all alone at home at a young age to fend for herself), I would then cry and at this time a text would come through from Scott which made me feel so very happy and was a source of comfort.  Since things have been more challenging there have been less texts coming through so I need to find other ways to manage those attacks.

I am grateful now that I do have the insights I do.  It doesn’t mean the attacks have ended but I do manage them.  I feel like I am dying when they go on for a few hours but I always come out of them.  On some level the intensity is strong as Mars transiting in forward movement is once again setting all of this off I only have a few days til it finally passes over the exact position of my natal Mars at 1 degree 53 Aquarius.  It then goes on to hit Saturn and the Moon so feelings of frustration are bound to be around me for some time.  The antidote I have read is to apply my energy in concerted effort, exercise or an activity to offset the charge.  Writing helps me too, as does my poetry.  But sometimes I just wish I was never born.  I am sorry to write it out but its how I feel sometimes.  I know Scott has to come off deployment at some stage and we will meet one day.  I just don’t know when at this point.