Loss of faith

At times I lose my faith in life.  It occurs when yet another obstacle appears that seems determined to thwart me, when I face into another weekend of being alone and yet even as I write this I am trying to guard where I go to in my thoughts of ‘being alone’.   I have power and I can always reach out to someone if I feel the need, but sometimes it just all feels a bit exhausting life and there seems to have always been so many traumas to get through.

I have been lately attempting to spend some time in quiet and silence, especially towards the end of the day.  There is a kind of peace and winding down that I so often feel as dusk approaches, as I look out my window now the blue sky between the horizon of house and tree tops and sky is tinged with a golden glow.  Here in the Southern Hemisphere I feel the sap rising in nature and in my body as I wake just prior to dawn which is coming a few seconds earlier everyday as we move towards the Summer Solstice in three months time.  We are part of these cycles of nature and its something I am noticing more and more after moving back to my home town just over 7 years ago and going through the long very cold winters, how there is a lightening and rising of energy that accompanies spring.  And I am also noticing that it is when I draw close to home that I feel the most cosy on these evenings as the quiet comes down.   Yes I am facing it alone and yes at times I lose my faith I will ever be with a loving partner again sharing my life, who knows maybe it is not meant to be for me and what point is there in fighting fate?

Tonight I am just going to settle in, have a quiet meal and a cosy night at home alone.   I am going to look towards my inner life and self for a sense of faith tonight, not so much to the outward world.   The outward world often fails me and when I look to my inner world and inner life and teacher I feel somehow stronger even when voices of lack of faith try to pull me towards negative thinking.  Tonight I would rather be at peace within myself and count the blessings that I have in my life of which I know there are many.