A loving heart : time will tell

Now the last thing I am doing in this post is blowing my own trumpet (thanks for that insight Inner Critic : Mr A) but I see how loving my heart is in the way I am showing up at present to be there to help my sis and share the burden in the aftermath of Mum’s death.  I haven’t eaten yet as the Salvation Army guys rang at 7.30 and I had half an hour to get dressed and get to Mum’s before they came to load all her things onto the truck. They were both Kiwi’s (New Zealanders) and that really was right as Mum came from New Zealand or at least her mother did, Nana was born there in the early 1900’s and moved to Australia and Victoria with her own mother some years later.  The Salvation Army collection guys struggled to put all the boxes on a trolley and get them in the elevator where the wheels got stuck which reminded me of all the times I struggled to take my sister to the movies in her wheelchair and the wheels got stuck trying to get her into the elevator and one time I nearly tipped her over as she by that stage weighed so much.  My sis was saying the same thing the other day about pushing Jude to church up the big hill at her care home.

It was such a warm spring morning today.  I never usually drink coffee on an empty stomach but the local café near my Mum’s is such a warm family run place and I was on my own so I stopped in there for a minute and sat in the car enjoying a very weak cappuccino.  I am home now and I just put a bunch of daffodils I bought yesterday in one of the small cut crystal vases I inherited from Mum.  I sat on the carpet and watched the sun pouring in through the gossamer petals and it was a very spiritual moment.  I realised on the way home I will never be separated from the souls of my parents even though at times they were emotionally absent to me, I know they loved me and tried their best, they just lost focus on the important things.  I was the little one who tried to fit in so hard and always felt I did not.

It was interesting as at the café I had this thought of being someone from another realm who came down and was mystified by humans and their ways from an early age.  I have been reading about earth angels lately and there is a belief that some of us on earth come from the angelic realms and we don’t feel that we belong on earth when we come here.  Our task is to go through hardships in life in order to learn about human ways and human emotions.  Scott tells me all the time “babe you aren’t human, you are most definitely an angel.”  I cried on the way home as I had a feeling of the benevolent Great Mother cradling me and telling me my accident was all for a reason that I had to be removed from the every day and undergo a near death experience several times and alcoholism as well so I could learn and lot and maybe help others.  Part of me feels this is hubris or written out of denial and confusion…. and how dare I write it but for what it is worth I am writing this out.  I never fully felt I belonged here but it could be down to other things, being part of a very materialistic family who lost connection with their bodies and emotions to a large degree and didn’t really know how to nurture or see me.  All of that is my responsibility now though.

Anyway life goes on and I learn all the time.  What I am learning most is to stop withdrawing and to front up to life and challenges.  I see that I learn more in this way than in hiding out in my shell all the time but I also need to retreat back there as (a part introvert and empathic sensitive) to make sense of things and recoup my emotional and spiritual energy.  If and when Scott comes I don’t know if I can live with him or anyone full time, as I need my space.. its as essential to me as breathing but maybe I will feel differently when we meet.  Only time will tell. I am relishing the outpourings of love from his heart to mine via text which come when he has his windows to be in touch between waking and going to training and then early in the mornings when I wake to catch him before night patrol starts over there.  I still fear for his safety but I keep praying for him every day and night and he assures me my prayers are keeping him safe.  I really really hope so.   But I also know this none of us can forever evade death or endings and the best way forward involves processing it all, if we have the energy and will to do so.