A conundrum on being told “let’s not talk about death.”

Well it happened again this morning. I had an over the top response to being told not to speak about death.  I had been lying in bed remembering the final days of my Mum’s life and the final moments when the soul obviously feels free enough to let go leaving the loved ones behind they may be worried about, I was contemplating this in response to the spasms, contractions and relaxations in my body and at that time Scott and I had been texting and I told him and he said this.  Please don’t speak about death! BAM!! Wow.  Here I was having insights and thoughts and then told not to mention death. This is the encounter that followed.

Me :   I was thinking about how death is a letting go and what an epic journey life is that is what I was doing now honey.

S :  Let’s stop thinking about death we still have a long way to go together my love

Me : No you don’t understand hon I’ve lost my Mum it’s natural Don’t say that It Hurts.  Don’t tell me what to do  God you shut me down I hate it.  Why do it?  You don’t get me at all

S : Aww

Me : Nooo

S : I’m sorry

Me : Not Aww!!   Grr

S : I’m not telling you what to do

Me : Yes you did Read it back Liar Let’s stop thinking about death.  Why?

S : I was just telling you not to talk about death  (???? Yes telling me ??)

Me : Its helps us to live well.   And appreciate life  It’s important

S : Oh my God

Me : Fair enough

S : Yes I know

Me : Not Oh my God.  God is life and death

S: I’m sorry if it hurts you I don’t mean to.  Please forgive me.

Me : Why not embrace it

S : Alright babe

Me : You’ve mucked up my morning  I woke up peaceful Now I feel so stressed

S: Calm down please (Note : this was the BIG trigger)  Again???

Me : How dare you.  Go way Find someone else

S :  I SAID IM SORRY OH MY GOD AGAIN?

Me : I wont be invalidated Scott I wont stand for it.  Id rather be alone

S : GO AWAY AND FIND SOMEONE ELSE??

Me : It hurts me My heart hurts I was so calm before you texted  me (he started texting me at 12 am then 2 am then 6 am so I finally gave up and answered his text at 6.30 am)

S : Its not your fault  Now I understand everything, I will never be happy again.  My life will never be peaceful again, good things are not for me  I know.  Thanks for everything Deborah I really appreciate it.

 

I am not going to share all the texts I sent after this apologising for over reacting and trying to reassure him he does deserve good things and is not alone but what I don’t understand is that two times lately he has denied he did something to me he actually did.  Point blank.  After the last one he apologised and asked me to correct him if he was wrong.  It then spins me around as I start to feel guilty as he was due on patrol immediately he sent the last text and I worry if he is upset he may lose focus if something bad goes down.    I blamed myself for being a bitch and over reacting (I should have just let it go and self soothed maybe?)  I ended up wishing to God I never shared my thoughts about my Mum and on death with him at all.

What started as a peaceful morning with no conflict rapidly devolved into a hyperstressful one for my body.  I am just sharing it here for the purposes of externalising it and getting some outside perspective.  I believe that in a relationship we should allow others freedom for their own ideas and perspectives.  I find it difficult to be in a relationship where certain things are not allowed to be talked about or are verboten.  I hate being shut down as I saw what happened when two sisters have been.  I get the shits with a world that won’t at least look at the big questions with open interest and enquiry and bring then into the light as well as the feelings associated.  I don’t know if we have reached the end of the line on this one, only time will tell.  I most certainly don’t want to dwell on death all the time and I want to move forward into a loving relationship with a partner.  I just don’t want certain subjects to be forbidden.   It drives me crazy.

Scott is entitled to his view that is for sure.   Am I being too hard line?  Am I the one lacking empathy?