Working my way through my abandonment trauma

I had a terribly intense afternoon with Scott yesterday.  He hurt me by disrespecting my boundary and trying to force me to do something I wasn’t totally comfortable with and I started to burn when I actually told him to “Fuck Off”  I realise now I should have expressed myself better but it started a storm that didn’t end until about 12.30 am last night.   He cut and run for a while which left me burning up inside.

I don’t know why abandonment trauma feels so much like everything inside your body is burning but that is how it felt for me last night.  But I am so proud of myself I self soothed by talking to my frightened inner child and hugging myself and telling myself that I was safe and loved despite the fact Scott wasn’t hearing me and was angry with me and had cut off contact.    It was a bit of a battle but I managed to get off to sleep after 20 minutes and slept through til just after 5 am but I woke feeling like part of me was still on fire while the other way was cooler.

When I turned on the phone to find a text apologising from him and saying he was distressed as I had triggered his abandonment too I was able to speak from my higher brain instead of the traumatised reptilian brain (or angry frightened inner child).   Its something I have been learning about through reading Stan Tankin’s book on attachment and connection.  He explains how when we get triggered its the lower primitive brain parts that react to release all those stress hormones triggering us to fear, flight, fight or freeze (what he calls The Primitives).  We can practice to self soothe and get back into a calmer state if we can bear with the intensity of the reaction without retaliating from the lower brain and engaging instead the higher part of our brain (the loving parent I guess you could call it, this part of the brain faculties he calls ‘the Ambassador’s).  From this higher brain we can talk to ourselves, realise we were triggered, even realise our partner was triggered but talk from our own feelings, reactions and needs in way that will maintain and preserve connection.   It does take work but its well worth it and it takes some time alone to sort things through and then come back to manage things better.

Anyway in the end we were able to resolve things and its such progress for me to speak for what I need, to explain how its affected me and what I need and luckily I now have a partner who will show respect rather than just try to blow my feelings off and I will respect his needs and try to understand where he is coming from and why he is reacting the way he does.

The problem in our situation is though, as I realised yesterday in many ways he is making me responsible to get him out of trauma situation and though I have tried each step has been fraught with blockages from banks or other financial institutions.  Yesterday I tried to tell him I am at the end of helping him because of the distress it is causing me.  I broke down completely in the bank yesterday and was so lucky to have a bank employee who was so soft and caring.   This situation with Scott is like the situation with my sister who died all over again, with me loving and caring and trying my best to help but being helpless in the long run.  I was at my wits end yesterday.

Well the sun is out today.  Yesterday I was having a calm lovely day with Jasper before Scott started up with his demands again.  I hated that my peace was ruptured and then I felt guilty for feeling his situation is not my responsibility, but I care about and love him and felt so sad for him yesterday as he said his life on deployment is miserable and very very hard.  These guys sign up for a certain period and then it gets extended and this deployment is the toughest he has been on in over 19 years.  I Just wish the US government would relieve this group he is as part of before the end of the year instead of dragging it out until March next year.  They must be so bloody exhausted.  It all just seems so inhumane.  I know I should probably just detach.  He is fine if I accept he just has to stay there and see it out but I fear he may be killed so a lot of the time I feel I just cant just stand by and not help.  Anyway I’m feeling good this morning.  I stood firm and I took care of myself first and managed to work through and contain my fears, burning and abandonment trauma.  That is a big achievement and I am very proud of myself for it.  When I recoup my energy I will try to help again.  I wont give up but if I don’t care for myself too it wont end well and I will be abandoning  myself.  I’ve had too much work to do to learn how not to do this again as I did in my last relationship.