The renewing power of nature and speaking my feelings and needs

After a hellish day spent all day at home in my PJs yesterday it was such a blessing to be able to get out in nature today into the bright sunlight on a fresh day with Jasper.  I awoke feeling angry though when I saw I was being hemmed in at my place.  A huge truck was straddling the driveway with no way to get out and that is my biggest trigger having been stuck for hours in a car I could not walk free of.  I had a bit of a rage but when I went out to talk to the workers they were so lovely and it was easy enough for them to move the truck, I looked at how I reacted and understood it but anger was not the best response (another note to self for Mars retrograde – tick).

Anyway they moved the truck and Jasper and I got out for a long walk and play at the oval and felt so strongly the refreshing and renewing power of nature on my soul.  So essential and sorely missed yesterday.  I am still very tired from all the emotions of yesterday and speaking my mind and heart with Scott.   I only got about 4 hours sleep last night but we managed to repair things and he apologised so much for hurting my feelings.  How could he fully understand the grief not only over my Mum but over my broken marriage and my aborted life in the UK?  Part of me knows its not his fault, he just triggered my wound and I was able to be honest open and vulnerable with him yesterday when he asked what I needed.  I have never ever asked anyone to be there for me and told them how to do it before.   That just seemed not possible but now I see it is and not everyone is going to run away or tell me they don’t care and their needs come first like my last partner.

I was honest that I felt triggered when he talked of wanting me to be happy as one of the reasons my husband sited for leaving me (when in mid sobriety I began to deal with unexpressed and repressed grief) was that I was ‘no longer the happy girl he married’  so yesterday abandonment wounds got triggered again and I told Scott that and he was so loving to me.

I am still tired today, but I am taking it gently.   I was able to be honest emotionally yesterday and not dismiss the amount of grief I was feeling and to reach out for help rather than blame shame and cut off.   That is a big sign of growth for me.  I am proud of myself.  I was really there for my little girl and wounded inner child and young adolescent self yesterday.   It felt good even if very very painful to feel all the grief.