Its feels as though something deeply energetic is triggering past pain and trauma at present. I havent had a day of anxiety attacks quite as bad for a long time. They have come and gone now but earlier today I was just beseiged by critical voices telling me to kill myself, this used to happen a lot but I have been free of it for some time now, so to face this again today came as quite a shock. The trauma storm in my head was just horrendous and it was a herculean effort to force myself out of the house for our walk by the lake but I am so glad that I managed it as relief came in the sunshine. But its getting so I dread going home as often I am facing another attack within a short time of coming back and starting to relax.
A friend I hadnt heard from for a long time call this afternoon when I was down on the floor convulsing. I noticed my inner critic didnt want to call back and it was all around the fact I have just been feeling so emotionally vulnerable this weekend. I am glad I did call as I ended up crying a lot and being honest about how I am and my friend was lovely to me, but I am noticing lately I project a lot of negative expectations onto close relationships. I feel some kind of massive defences have been coming down recently.
The Solar Eclipse of Friday fell in the 12th house of my chart and its triggering issues of dependency and emotional vulnerability in me. I was very regressed on Saturday. At least I am getting a handle on it all though and as my friend said today its better for me to be feeling all of this instead of suppressing it. Its a sad truth that expressing powerful emotions in our culture is often seen as a sign of illness or madness when really is just part of what it means to be a fully awake and alive human being. And as those of us who live with PTSD and Complex PTSD know its such a challenging thing to have to carry and so impossible to communicate the full truth of it to those who have no idea whatsoever. I am just glad I have this forum and was so pleased to open up to my friend and not let my inner critic win.
Emerging From The Dark Night 
I’ve had days when I felt emotionally drained and depressed but this is so sad hope you’re fine now dear.
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Thank you so much. I feel a lot better this evening. Lovely of you to reach out. ❤ ❤
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I’m happy to hear that you are doing well 😊
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{{{HUGE HIPPIE HUGZ}}} I completely understand! Keep on Keepin’ on Sistah!! I agree better to Feel than not. Numb was my Super Power for way too long and eventually I had to feel to Heal. Yowza! I have been having some things coming up as well. (in the middle of the night of course 😦 ) but I seem to be working with these things a tad more effectively that in past years. (wooohooo!! ) You are moving Through the Storm …sometimes, all we can do is wait for it to pass. ❤
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So so true. Last night I thought I was dying. My feeling is we are mid way btwn two eclipses and Mars is on the South Node so old ways of doing things or being done too are pushing up. I had intense accident recall.last night with about 1000 volts of electric burn energy coursing through me.hard to describe. Its one hellava storm is all I can say HB..Hugs sista ((–()
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