Taking a breather

My inspiration to post and blog has dried up over the past few days.  I tried to write a post on the upcoming Capricorn Full Moon this morning and just started to feel so drained.  So I stopped.  I feel Mars really slowing down and the face off between the Sun in Cancer ruling emotions, roots, nurturing and home and family and up coming Moon in Capricorn which is conjuncting Saturn over the next few days brings up all my Saturn Mars Moon issues.  Today I was smack bang in my accident past and the smash up of 2005 which led to an aborted separation attempt which only led me back to Australia after a second attempt to make a new life in the UK filling my head with thoughts of despair and failure this morning at least before I managed to get out for a long walk with Jasper in the fresh air.

I also had the impulse to just retreat into my shell when I got another message about yet more terrorist attacks my friend is dealing with overseas.  It all just seemed too hard to deal with so I took myself off to the shops and library and then had a guilt attack for needing my distance feeling the implicit conflict between the need to emotionally connect and mother someone in strife (Cancer/Moon) and the opposing desire to be all alone and just firm in my boundaries (Capricorn/Saturn.)  I wonder if I really want a relationship in which at times I feel overwhelmed with someone’s need for me but I also know when I pull back or dont hear from them my needs make themselves felt and then I start to feel scared.  Truth is the prospect of no longer being alone fills me both with happiness and dread at the same and at varying times.

Anyway to add to the Cancer/Capricorn dilemma tomorrow I have to meet the accountant with my brother and sister to find out about all the financial ins and outs of my recent inheritance/estate from my Mum which came through this week.  Its timely as soon the Sun in Cancer will pass over the placement of my Mum’s Pluto in Capricorn and Saturn as been over it before it stationed retrograde a while back.

Dealing with money brings up a core wound from both my Mum and Dad both parents had Sun Mercury Saturn conjuctions and were serious duty bound and hard working people but didnt know much about nurturing something I too still struggle with often over running myself and lately Ive been noticing a few things I need to change in that department.  Anyway I count my blessings for the financial support I do have just wish there was more love and nurture in my life.  And as the moon waxes to full I sometimes get sad glimpses of my Mums life which in later years without my Dad was lonely and tough as she tried the best to support my sisters and I with what she knew.  It remainscto us now to make the very best of the legacy we have been left.