On balance and self regulation/self soothing

My energy is all over the place at the moment.  Waiting for word from someone caught up in a difficult situation who can only message you some of the time is hard and often its the times I am either going to sleep or asleep or just about to sit down for dinner that the message system on my phone pings and then I experience a bolt of hope and expectation and fear of disappaointment all swirling around inside of me because as my therapist and I were discussing this morning I am finally opening up and daring to let myself hope and NEED someone which is something I learned not to do as I grew up as I knew if I did I would be let down.

I was let down numerous times by parents, by siblings and by a ‘best friend’ who would often drop me at the last moment if a better offer came up, she even stole my first boyfriend, being sexier and more liberated than I.   I just went to pull into the service station on the way home to fill my car and I saw her pulling in before me and I am ashamed to say I avoided going to get petrol. I decied to come home to have lunch instead, berrating myself all the way home for being a coward.

This ‘coward’ issue came up in therapy today and my therapist was really upset as she knows best of all what I have gone through in my life and she said to me “if there is anything you are NOT Deborah, that is a coward!!” And then I broke down as I know how heroic I can be at times in facing up and its just my inner critic giving me a hard time (as per usual!!)

Why is it that I see and concentrate on my flaws and defects as opposed to my strengths?  Apparently that is not un common for those of us raised in neglectful or non affirming households.  I am not used to praise either and kindness can reduce me to tears.   Over the past few days I have received some beautiful comments on my blog and those too reduce me to tears.  Why is it that I am so self depricating at times?  Its no wonder that when I went to live in the UK I was feeling right at home.  English people apologise a lot but I do love how they have the ability to laugh at themselves and be so eccentric.

Then again I also find it soooo hard to go easy on myself.  To let things be messy. I wouldnt even leave my empty coffe cup with Kat today after therapy or used tissues (“clean up after yourself” the critic screams!!)   Its hard for me to ask for help as I believe I should be able to do everything for myself and I have a terror of and longing to depend I learned to bury a long time ago that much is becoming clear and clearer.

Anyway the Moon and emotional nurturance issues always come up as the Sun moves through the sign of Cancer and the eleventh and twelfth houses of my chart.  Venus is ahead of it at the moment in Leo and I am expressing more of my heart and passion to Scott these days while still fearing that it impossible that someone could express such admiration, care of and love for me and could be real.  If he is going to turn up it could happen in a few weeks time all being well.   And that fills me with even more fear.

Anyway I headed up this post balance and self regulation as before I sat down to write it I was thinking how busy it can be in my head at times with negative chitta chatter and there is always an endless list of things to do.  The only time I get to sit still and read is if I take myself out for a cup of coffee.  I need to learn to be able to relax at home and just let myself melt into life and a body and my feelings.   Its not easy for me but its not impossible either.   Blogging calms my nervous system a lot.I have also been taking a homeopathic at night when I get restless and listening to favourite soothing songs such as Sailing by Christopher Cross and Year of the Cat by Al Stewart.  I love the saxophone solo in that track and concentrating on it really soothes me.  I guess we all have to find those things that work for us and help us calm down, regulate and self soothe in an increasing busy and on the go society where so many are defended and running another issue Kat and I were discussing a lot in therapy today.