A tough week

Despair came revisiting me this afternoon. Things have been fraught and I am plagued by a thousand fears and doubts again with my on line connection.   I get so tired of being the one who needs to rescue someone and when I don’t even know if that ‘someone’ is real, it’s even harder and then to be told I am hurting someone by doubting is even harder still.  On Wednesday I reached my limit, one where I felt it was better off to be alone than going through this continual doubt and angst.  I know you have heard me in this place before and I go on trying to open up and move through while fear and threat and terror grip my heart.

June has always been a tough month. The lead up to the shortest day which is tomorrow always seems to bring an encounter with my shadow self and its heading toward the anniversary of my accident, my older sister’s suicide attempt and my marriage breakup.  I have a lot of fear around money but not only that because it was often a stand in for emotional engagement with my parents when someone wants my money it hurts me and makes my chest grip tight.  The truth is I dont have a lot of loving connections in my life, there is my cousin and her family and my sister will keep in touch but its never a heart to heart connection.  And then there is my dog Jasper who I love but yesterday he ran off into the swamp and got himself all tangled up with bits and pieces and I ended up hitting the roof with him and yelling while pulling violently on his fur to get out all the tangles and debris.  I know I’m lonely and frustrated and hurting and taking it out on him is so unfair.  Poor little chap is so forgiving of me though and we ended up having cuddles on the sofa.

I was touched by a phone call from my nephew last night. He knows what has been going on and has a touch of OCD himself when it comes to mess, (which comes from our shared multi generational past of alcoholism).  We were joking around about it last night.  It was only a brief call but it meant the world to me.  I hope to go and visit he and his family soon as I want to meet his little son and catch up with my other grand nephews.  It’s just travelling is a big trigger for me and I don’t know if I a quiet ready to leave my comfort zone.  Today I just felt like crawling back into bed which is something I never do.   But with Mars slowing down to go backwards soon its part of the energy of the moment.  I know Mars is focusing his lazer lens on blockages in my heart and soul and showing me a lot of anger I am carrying is actually grief and I need to soften into it rather than allow it to make me become hard and defensive but I also am learning that giving in to rage often is the pathway to connecting also with profound grief.

This is the intense Plutonian burning ground which Liz Greene calls the birth of wisdom through suffering the ordeal of fire and I seem to be in the middle of it at present.  Venus and Mars are opposing each other this week too.  I get to experience Mars then as I do Venus reveals her softer face.  As usual its all a psychological work in progress.   With a lot of inner alchemy going on.