A brighter day

Well today I woke feeling so much better.  Despite a really rough weekend and a day yesterday when I felt pulled back in the darkest place of so much body pain and experienced again all those painful feelings of being so stuck and in despair, today has dawned brighter.  I forced myself on a long walk with Jasper by the lake across the gorgeous wooden bridge that opens our vision to natural beauty and was so glad that I did yesterday.  And then I received a refund of some money back and had a lovely conversation with a very old friend and its amazing how just one or two of these kind of experiences can have a big impact on my state of mind.  I also realised that it was in the way I reacted to someone not having time for me on the weekend that triggered me back into quite a downward spiral. I started to feel angry and hostile and I noticed when it was happening but didnt seem to have the power or will to want to put a stop to it.  If I am honest I just wanted to have a little tantrum and its true that my feelings were justified but reacting the way I didnt really help but for me to feel worse.  That said later on I was able to express my frustration and how I felt and to be honest I think that is the best thing for me as bottling it up serves no one, least of all me.

I then logged on to read about the upcoming Mars retrograde transit that starts in about two weeks time and triggers not only my natal Pluto and Moon Saturn Mars but also Neptune.   The transit lasts for two months and the shadow period is something we have been in for a few weeks now so I know I have been getting a taste of some of the issues that probably will be triggered for me over the next few months.  I am going to have to keep all of my wits about me regarding my abandonment issues as I know when I react badly from this place things go pear shaped if I cannot find the words to express how I feel about all my past frustrations to someone or take some kind of positive constructive action to move that Mars energy that so often was blocked as I grew up and learned to suppress and internalise.

The thing is I can never not have the past that I have had.  I can never erase the wounds that are there but I am coming to believe there is a way to put these in the past while not entirely closing the door on them and using what i have learned to make better choices this time.   While becoming more aware when I can be reacting or drawn to something or someone out of old wounds.

Anyway I have been fully able to express my feelings to the person in question and they have really heard me and that has made me feel so happy.  I feel that my feelings are actually being cared about and for, rather than run roughshod over and that would not have happened had I not had the courage to express how I feel.

I am also so grateful for the amazing support that I have on my blog from other followers.  I was having that conversation with a very good friend last night and she was saying what a toxic abusive environment Twitter is.  I have never been on Twitter or Whats App or even Instagram.   Its not really my kind of thing, I far prefer this site because of the level of creativity and honesty here and the love and care and genuine conern shown for others hearts, minds and souls.   I have only had one negative experience on here with someone and she soon went away when I started to share about the impact of it on me, accusing me of passive aggressiveness which could not have been further from the truth.  It burned me but it is only one experience out of a vast number of positive, caring, supportive ones.   How lucky we are to have this forum.   I feel so much better every time I open my WordPress page, so all in all there is so much to be grateful for.

So to everyone out there once again thanks for being here and expressing yourselves in ways we can all share and relate to.  I am just so grateful for the resources I do have in my life now.  My hard work on my inner life is starting to pay off.