Unfaithful

Sometimes I no longer want to be the good and true and faithful girl who asks so little for herself and then when someone offers me the Moon but there is a price to get there I do not any longer take it at face value.  Yes readers in my older age I have turned into a sceptic no matter how glowing and positive some of my posts are.  I have seen and endured and witnessed massive betrayals in my life which for the other person were probably not betrayals of themselves only of me or the person I loved, so how can I judge what they did?  Maybe they chose the best thing for themselves regardless of how much I loved or wanted them in my life and then there were the times I wanted to go for something but feared the impact on others so did what I thought would be better for them and not hurt them but I now see that was a coward’s way and may have been what I was conditioned to do by having parents who didn’t stay around to spend any time with me and then later forced me into things not aligned with my core values when I was really struggling growing up in the midst of so much family and personal value.

I started a post on values yesterday but didn’t finish it because I am reading a book in which the author who is a therapist speaks of how happiness comes from living true to our values and not compromising.  I see that now a days I have to value myself and my soul even at times above the needs of others.  If I am in a stronger place then I am happy to help others with their needs, but if I feel myself to be constantly drained then what is the good of giving and giving and giving.

I am in this situation where I have been helping someone and we are getting blocked in trying to effect a movement for them.  I am tired and going through my money in the effort to help.  I will be able to re coup some of it and as I shared before it’s not a huge amount and one I can afford.  It is just the last little bit of money that is being blocked now and I am ready to totally give up.  I also found myself getting really angry this morning with everything and so I just cut off contact and told the person it’s too stressful and today I am taking care of me.  Part of me is so used to living alone and it get a little lonely at times but I no longer know that bone crunching soul destroying isolation that kept me in a deeply suicidal place for years.  I know my therapy has helped as for years I was locked in the depression for my lost self I have now I feel almost fully reclaimed but I still have to keep working hard to hold onto myself and stay very savvy about what is good for me and empowering and what is not good for me or is draining or disempowering. At other times I feel I only know how to be alone, how to create distance with others due to the fact as an empath I can get drained easily and naturally need alone time to recharge.  Would I be able to cope with another intimate sexual relationship again after 7 years of being alone.  Also my abandonment gets triggered so easily and when it does I really have to be with my inner child so she doesn’t lash out.

I started this post though and headed it unfaithful because sometimes I don’t want to be. At least always to other people… faithful, that is.   I just want to find a way to be faithful to my soul and core values with others who I can share those values with in a mutually respectful and loving way that does not make too many energetic demands upon each other.