Hit my limit

Well I broke through something deep this morning.  I had one of those nights when I was awake two or three times holding myself on the knife edge of something, and struggling to breathe and not suck in my breath my whole body almost in a siezure/shock state with neurochemicals flooding me just as they did after both major accidents.  I feel like I have been stuck in a pattern and finally the pattern is breaking open.  I cannot live inside of it any more and be me or at least the me I was always meant to be but was consigned to a nice girl straight jacket/prison/freeze state years ago.

My therapist said to me on Monday that it is my rebellion which has kept me alive and that my anger rather than being ‘bad’ as negators would have us believe is actually ‘the final cry of the True Self’.  My family always makes me feel bad for my anger.  They shame me for it in various ways and that is the pattern that gives rise to the collapse Complex PTSD pattern and also the scapegoat identified individual pattern.  Well you know what readers??. I well and truly done with it. It kills all vitality and life and passion and power and joy inside me and I won’ put up with it any more.

I feel I need to make a commitment even to being on my own eve though I feel I don’t want to be for the rest of my life.  Id love to be able to share it with a special someone but I also know I already do have special someones in my life.   I have been trying to help someone who is in a trapped situation but its all a projection of the way I have been trapped for years.  I saw that clearly over the past few days and I have read and experienced that in healing we encounter all parts of ourselves outside.  I now want someone who is free and as much as this person is pleading with me not to let go I am finally going to say NO.  I want a person who is real and is here with me in flesh.  That said it could be that with Saturn now retrograde in the sign of naked authenticity Capricorn that may not manifest for some months.

For now I have to be real and present to me.  I have to be my own champion.  I cannot expect others to do it.  I cannot keep myself blaming my past if I really and truly want to be free and there is one thing I know without a doubt for I can feel it in my bones. Freedom for me is so close but it rests on the choices I make and being the soft good guy at this stage is just not a viable one for me any more.