The grief that does not speak : reflections on loss and grieving

Grief and grieving does not get much of a viewing in our modern society.  I just listened two separate programmes on the radio that highlighted this.  One was an interview with Australian actor and cancer advocate, Samuel Johnson.  Overseas readers probably don’t know him but he starred in several award winning television dramas and he is the brother of a sister, Connie who lost her battle with cancer last year.  Connie was first diagnosed with cancer at the age of 11, then 9 years later at 20 and again later in life.  She lost her life recently and Samuel established a charity Love Your Sister and cycled around the country raising funs for some years, becoming something of a local hero.   Following her death he retired from acting and now advocates and fund raises for cancer full time.  Samuel sounded so weary and sad in the interview which is natural, he spoke of how he is constantly on the go trying to make things better for cancer sufferers.  Sometimes the best I can do is give them a hug he said.  Well I thought maybe that is more important than gold.  I was just struck by the fact of the grief he must be carrying so stoically and of course people who have empathy in that situation, particularly those of us who have lost siblings to diseases know the grief never leaves as it is a sign of our love.  Yet underneath his words I felt all the tears that I hope he has someone in his life to share with.  I also that prayed that he would find some time just to sit still and rest as I know at times how hard I have struggled to do that in the wake of my own losses.  But I also feel a hell of a lot better when I am not as driven and can relax or shed a tear and to shed it with someone else, well that would just be magic, a present beyond price.

The second programme was an interview with a lady who helps those whose relatives are deceased to spend some time with them and the body preparing for the farewell ceremony and going through some rituals which help them to connect with the dead loved ones over days following their death, rather than just having the body taken away shortly after.   I never got to see my father just before he died when I was 23 or any time after.  It was all taken care of by my brother.  In the case of my Mum’s death I got the call that she had passed at 4.06 last December and was able to go to the hospital to say goodbye, although I had said my goodbyes with her over days before they had her in such a drugged and rigified state.  To be honest that is not how I wanted to remember my mother and the image of it still stirs my stomach,   I  am feeling quiet nauseous writing this.

However I do empathise with an approach which gives people ways of connecting with their loved ones and letting go over time.  Most certainly we all grieve in different ways and have differing needs around the completion and letting go process but it is a sacred thing to be able to spend time with the dead loved one’s body, perhaps washing and caring for it, showing tenderness, shedding tears, saying final goodbyes.  Its seems to me a healthier approach than just whipping the body away as quickly as we can.

Writing this post makes me realise it has been some time since I have contemplated issues of grief as much as I used to.  Maybe that is a sign that I have processed my feelings around the two major losses of recent years, my older sister and my mother, yet I know greif is still there as this morning I have been crying again.

Death is never easy as is letting go and death is not the only reason we grieve when there are other losses we go through that also impact us significantly.   But it is also a relief when death no longer holds such a claim on the living, which is not to say that our love for another who is gone ends, just that our relationship has now changed its form and moved to a very different level, leaving us deeply changed in the wake of it.  The grief we carry may be so silent and remain unspoken, however others souls who have endured the same will recognise our dilemma, as we struggle and process and work to move forward carrying the loss with us until we can shed any burden of trapped or blocked feeling that prevents us truely moving forward.  For others of us that may be neither necessary or possible.