What can I give

I always knew that in numerology I was a life path number 6 but this week I was reading up on it and what I read made so much sense to me.   Apparently number 6 life paths are the servers and nurturers and we live to help to uplift others, but we can also be very hard on others and ourselves in terms of being perfectionists.  That all rang true.   I love to care for people when they are down, to try to uplift them and I dont think it all comes out of codependency and my own wound but for sure if I had not suffered as much as I have in life, I probably may not be able to feel the desire to give as I do.

However I also get fearful at times when a lot is being demanded or asked of me in terms of love and care, it is not natural for me to hold back.  So over past weeks I have found myself in a situation of helping someone in a crises and not even knowing if they are real but since I have the resources to do it (and can afford to lose a little if it goes pear shaped) I have chose to do it.    I have talked it all over at length with my therapist who believes. what ever happens what I am doing is a good thing as now I am acutally AM reaching out of my own isolation years on the back of coming out of a very toxic relationship with someone and suffering from deep insecurities due to the emotional barrenness and trauma of my particular upbringing..

Lately I am questioning my idea of myself as wounded.  I am seeing that maybe everything that happened to me in life was all for a reason, yes, part of a life path that was leading me to here so I can be a person who in having gone through certain things is then able to be there for others to help and nurture and that helps me to know that I am part of something far larger, a human race in which nothing that happens to any one of us is really different, strange, hidden or unknown.

Its interesting as what came to make me start this blog was happening onto a site after doing a google search on the astrology transit for Uranus (my ruling planet of Aquarius) passing through the eighth house (of the psychological shadow).  The site I found was on narcissistic abuse and the blogger offered to publish a poem of mine which I will share again later today for new followers. It was on being pulled in and feeling myself to be erased and then emptied out.  She suggested I start this blog which I did in December 2013 and I had been writing for years.

I hope that over the past four years my blog has helped those suffering like I did in all kinds of ways. From addictions, emotional neglect, emotional invalidation and loss of soul.   It has helped me on the dark days to just pour out whatever was going on so that now I dont feel the need to do that as much as I used to and my formerly keyed up, stressed out body is learning to relax finally after over 13 years of coming out of a painful divorce and accident on the first year anniversary of it where I cut my head open and retrigged the Complex trauma of nearly losing my life at 17.

All in all I AM feeling so much stronger and so much more willing to reach out and help.   I know also that as alone as I feel on some days I am no where near as alone as I felt myself to be because over the past three years I have put concerted work into fostering relationships with healthier people.  Some relationships have gone by the way side or I have had to limit contact if they are emotionally invalidating.   I now have the boundaries to do that in a loving way.  But I also really want to be there for others, for I know one thing for sure.  My emotional recovery means nothing if I dont also reach out to help others to recover.   And this I do most firmly believe “You dont need to do it alone, but only you alone can do it!”